Online dating is seriously the worst. It takes a ton of time to do it right, you constantly feel defeated because it’s full of losers/people 50 miles away/guys who want you to help them go dress shopping and you’re gonna be alone forever.

This weekend’s kicker: I got internet yelled at by a guy for not being responsive enough after 4 messages. Here’s how it went:

Him: watching football today?

Me: Yes! From the couch.

Him [later]: make it off the couch?

Me: Yes, I just went out to meet some friends!

Him: I’m pretty upset this turned out to be a one sided conversation with a bitch. Good luck on the site.

Now, I was (I think rightfully) outraged. a) I owe this guy nothing and b) I responded to every message AND USED EXCLAMATION POINTS! Granted, I wasn’t super interested and engaging, but neither was he. I asked a few guy friends and they AGREED with jerkface.

“He shouldn’t have called you a bitch but you didn’t ask him any questions.”

Did you know it’s required to ask questions at the end of every statement you make? Apparently that’s the way you have to talk in the 21st century. If a question presents itself, great. “That dog in your pic is almost as cute as mine! What is it?” But mostly I like to be witty and leave an ending comment that invites response. Like a normal person in a normal conversation. “I saw this movie this weekend. It was awesome! Hippos are so cute.” “But hippos are the most dangerous mammal! A movie about sloths would be much safer.” See? Two people getting along. But I’ve now heard on multiple occasions that that strategy is the sole reason I’m single. (more or less) Because instead of expecting a guy to be interesting enough to talk to me freestyle, I need to have a spreadsheet of questions.

Let’s be honest: I’m going to hate going out with the guy who has the preplanned questions. And you all know him. Everything ends with a question that sort of makes sense, but not really, and there are way too many. “I see you like fried foods. What is your favorite food? If you had to say your favorite restaurant in the city, what would it be? I knew a vegan once but it didn’t work out. LOL! Are the letters of your name an anagram?”

So suck it up and question or die alone? That is the question.


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