I was never one of those kids who wanted to grow up fast. My childhood anxiety was usually based on not wanting to grow up.

One thing you dream about grownup life as a kid is eating anything you want whenever you want. Brown sugar for dinner? Sure! No one’s telling me to eat a vegetable.

Except you can’t, because you get fat. Then not only do you have to eat healthy food, but you have to spend all your hard-earned beer money on it! I could get a 12 pack for the cost of one stinking sprouted multigrain bulgar loaf. I guess I could save the $5 and buy the house white, but I might as well shoot up heroin if I’m gonna be eating white bread.

Then even if you go to an activity that seems fun like a wedding, you have to eat something roasted and glazed while staring with longing at the chicken fingers at the kids’ table.