No one tells you turning 30 comes with 10 extra pounds.

I swear the day I turned 30 I gained weight. In truth it happened over time one small pound at a time and I didn’t quite realize it. I gradually stopped going to the gym every day (even though I never worked out hard) and eating a little less healthily. Then all of a sudden I realized I was about 10-15 lbs heavier than I wanted to be. Nothing crazy, but heavier than I wanted to be.

The problem was, once I realized and made some changes, I wasn’t losing weight. I trained for and ran a half marathon. When not training, I ate 1200 calories a day. I switched to quinoa and spinach and whole wheat everything. I came to the conclusion that it was my antidepressants. It happened so gradually I didn’t make the connection, but I’m confident that was it given the weight gain+pill taking time frame. And once I thought about it, I realized how much my appetite had changed since being on meds. I used to eat half a sandwich and chips and be full all day and I ended up needing a whole cheesesteak plus fries plus still hungry by my peak weight time.

So I weaned off the pills with the help of a doctor and confidence I didn’t need them and there went the weight. About 5 lbs pretty quickly. Then another 10 over the next 6ish months with the help of an excellent diet: crippling depression. Turns out I did need the pills. Right as I reached the perfect weight I lost the will to live (I’m being flippant but for real…) and decided I had to do something, so after a few months with a psychiatrist I’m back on them. And back up 5 lbs.

Is it all a coincidence? Did I start taking pills around spring when I’d be out more eating and socializing? Does not hating life justĀ  mean I’m out of bed more and able to eat? All those are possible/likely, but I’ve also increased my exercise time, so shouldn’t those balance out?

All of this is to say, I have to figure out if I’m going to be happy or skinny, right? Any first hand experience with this or post-30 weight loss tips?

Being a grownup is the worst

I was never one of those kids who wanted to grow up fast. My childhood anxiety was usually based on not wanting to grow up.

One thing you dream about grownup life as a kid is eating anything you want whenever you want. Brown sugar for dinner? Sure! No one’s telling me to eat a vegetable.

Except you can’t, because you get fat. Then not only do you have to eat healthy food, but you have to spend all your hard-earned beer money on it! I could get a 12 pack for the cost of one stinking sprouted multigrain bulgar loaf. I guess I could save the $5 and buy the house white, but I might as well shoot up heroin if I’m gonna be eating white bread.

Then even if you go to an activity that seems fun like a wedding, you have to eat something roasted and glazed while staring with longing at the chicken fingers at the kids’ table.