No Means Yes?

As I’ve said before, I’m girly and not super anti-gender roles, or so I think. I guess I’m just into people doing what they want, more so than being anti feminist. I want a pink couch and doilies on my tables but I’m not taking my husband’s name if I get married.

This Stanford rapist business has really got my blood boiling, as it should everyone’s blood. And whether it’s that or just my own changing expectations in the face of a (legally at least) more accepting world, I’m just continually shocked/infuriated at interactions I have with racist, sexist strangers.

Take, at the library.

I’d like to test drive Chrissy Teigen’s cookbook* because her food looks awesome and she’s enjoyable. I ask the librarian to put it on hold.
She rolls her eyes.

I say “you don’t approve?”

The librarian goes on to explain how John Legend is so classy and articulate (aka safe for white people) and she’s stupid and raunchy and should just keep her mouth shut and look pretty. Repeatedly.
Maybe librarians should read and not talk. And not revile people they saw once on a talk show.
Next, take every guy I’m talking to right now.
Yea, I’m a pain in the ass. I want to hang out with you on my terms. But if we’re meeting for the first time, I think that’s ok, especially if you’re trying to meet me after less than 24 hours of messaging. And if I say no, I don’t need to explain myself and you don’t need to try to analyze me.
Do you want to hang out tomorrow?
I’m working
You can take a break.
Actually I can’t
Is it because I’m younger?
No it’s because I’m working.
I’m promise I’ll be a gentleman! I just want to get to know you.
Listening to my answer would be a good start on knowing me.
I’m sorry. I’ll stop talking to you. I’ve ruined our chances.

And so on…

Another fun one is the “hey add me on snapchat (by the way I’m sending you nudes)”

I’ll say gross and they’ll say why don’t you like it. Having to even explain that much is too much but if I’m feeling generous maybe I say I don’t like sexual talk or pictures. I’m up for hanging out but not that.
Why not? You can trust me. I won’t share them. Is it because you don’t like mine? You won’t send me any?
I know my mailman better than you, dude! What kind of creep prefers talking about sex to getting a drink! And ps if you won’t take my explanation for why I don’t want your dumb pics I certainly won’t trust you to respect me in person.
People are pretty transparent. Give it a second chance after one I’m busy, but two mean get lost. Don’t make us spell it out.
Just stick with the golden rule. Treat others as you’d like to be treated, and keep your dicks and racism to yourself.
*get the cookbook. it’s good. and get it from a library to support sustainability and community resources and making middle aged white women everywhere uncomfortable by bringing up “raunchy” celebrities.

Out to Pasture

My friends and I made a rare Friday night venturing off the couch (and after 9pm no less!) in honor of Prince last night. This was at a sort of club/hipster dance party spot.

Our first mistake was showing up on time, which was understandably uncool, so at first we gave the dj a pass on the lack of Prince at the Prince dance party. An hour passes, then another. Throughout the night we’ve been asking for the Prince and he says it’s coming. Meanwhile we’re chatting with other dance floor denizens and learning none are over 23. Still no Prince as the clock strikes midnight and our dancing shoes turn into orthopedic slippers. I ask the dj a final time and he tells me to calm down.

We headed back to our respected couches, where we’re appreciated and no one makes us wait for cheese and SVU and the music we want when we want it.

Why is there no happy medium between college dance party and quiet craft beer emporium? Once we turn 25 are we too hideous to be seen moving rhythmically outside the confines of our kitchen after a few glasses of wine?

I don’t want to be cool. I just want to dance in public.

Prince would not stand for this.  Make America great again. Dancing for all!

Hindsight Update

Right after last night’s post I heard from the guy. Paraphrased:

Bitter: What are you up to tonight?

Me: Eating popcorn and watching tv.

Bitter: Your not gonna invited me over lol

[Typed “I don’t share popcorn with people who can’t spell you’re” but forgot to hit send]

(15 minute later)

Bitter: Do you throw your phone across the room after you get a text?

Me: I’m very busy with tv.

Bitter: Whatever

So I think that’s settled. But when I got up this morning something happened and my first thought was “Oh I want to tell [my student].” And I realized that I’m more eager to talk to and spend time with a high school girl than this guy. It was a great reminder that a) my gut tells me when I like someone (on any level, and this guy doesn’t even meet student-teacher likeability levels) and b) I’m not so messed up that I can’t form relationships and share things. Even if those things are beating your score in Words with Friends.

 

Hindsight

Ever go on a date and it’s kinda ok and then you get home and start identifying all these dealbreakers?

This seems to be happening kind of a lot lately. While we’re hanging out chatting I’m not dying to get home. I think “I’d give him a second date.” Then I get home to my couch’s warm embrace away from the glow of whiskey and feel compelled to text.

“So I just went out with a more bitter version of [insert ex here].”

“So this guy tonight was grilling me about where I work. Is my job weird?”

“So this guy tonight said he puts butter in his coffee…”

(Ok so that last one is apparently a real thing. And actually something I might try when I’m not busy scarfing straight brown sugar.)

Am I sabotaging myself or am I trying so hard to be open minded I don’t even know what kind of company I like to keep anymore?

Like when I met up with the guy this week for drinks and he didn’t drink. That seemed weird and also awkward since I enjoy drinking and did so heartily. Naturally he didn’t pay for my drinks, which as we know is a major annoyance that I worry I should be more modern about but don’t want to be modern about. Espesh when my bar tab for the night is $9.50.

Also when I tried to explain him to a friend and said “he was kinda super negative but maybe it’s good to not always be optimistic?” Hearing myself out loud rationalizing a guy’s behavior by suggesting a positive outlook is a bad thing was jarring…

The past two half-hearted 2nd dates I regretted and the fact that I decided against sending a thank you text lest I have to have a conversation were a push to let it be a one and done with this guy. But I’ll keep wondering if I’m letting a guy’s one bad night keep me from a relationship or if I’m just too picky.

Trying to trust your (anxious, prone to depression) gut while also having an open heart is as confusing as it is tough.

 

 

*PS: That VH1 show Hindsight was awesome. Bring that back!

(Wo)Man Up

I am facing an epidemic of p-word men. Men are not supposed to be high maintenance. Go drink your scotch and grunt somewhere. I have enough time keeping myself together, I can’t worry about stroking your ego.

The past week has featured two separate p-word situations. I’m sitting back and observing, because I am not going to jeopardize my content solo life surrounded by pets and pillows if I’m expected to put in work before the first date even happens.

Scene #1: OkCupid

Message exchanges begins and goes very well. Witty, casual, shared interests. Without fail, responds within 15 minutes of every message, but reliable is nice sometimes.

Then comes: “Not sure if this is too forward, but I thought maybe you might be open to chatting on text. Here is my number if that’s ok with you.”

You’re not asking for a kidney. Just exchange the numbers and carry on.*

Accidentally on purpose I text a few days later.

“Oh it’s so great to hear from you. I assumed I had been too forward and felt bad for giving you my number.”

If he feels bad about giving me a phone number can you imagine the trauma if he was late to dinner one night?

Needless to say, he has not mustered the courage to schedule a date. He has referenced his diet and the gym on more than one occasion. I even know where his gym is located. And I know what he bought at the grocery store to “keep it tight. Girls don’t want any roundness.” I was not aware of that but fine.

He has referenced things we could do on a date:

What kind of food do you like? If we went on a date, I’d need to know.

Yet, no dates. And I’m neither holding my breath nor keeping it tight in anticipation. I’m keeping it cheese.

Scene #2: I didn’t meet this guy online.

I repeat: I DID NOT MEET THIS GUY ON LINE.

Automatic first place. A real person interesting enough in real life to exchange numbers/accept my number thrust at him.*

Except then the multiple texts by the time I got home from the bar.

“I’m so grateful we talked. I’m just kicking myself for not having the courage to come up to you myself and talk”

(Pro-tip: Avoid revealing weakness and lack of self-confidence in the first text. Really, withhold all emotions until the 6 month mark, and even then save the gratitude for things like pizza.)

He did manage to set up a date relatively soon, and follow up without assuming my scheduling issues were an outright rejection. Unfortunately the actual planning of the date involved multiple messages requiring multiple 3/3 screens worth of text. No restaurant in the zip code was left unsuggested. I seriously almost cancelled, nervous he would pee his pants when I walked in the door.

Once we met up we really had a nice time. No sarcasm. He was gentlemanly, easy to talk to, and lighthearted. A red flag or two but a good time. He went along with petty bar theft and wanted to bet on football. He wins and his prize was a 2nd date with me. Adorbs! Flirtation AND Gambling.

Get home and again a text from him. This time assuring me that he wants a second date but he wants me to know I don’t really have to follow through with the bet if I don’t want to because I shouldn’t ever have to do anything I don’t want to do but it would be really nice to go out again because (^&@&^#$%*&)^$@()!*&^#$.

I assured him I’d be happy to go out.

Few days later I ask how the rest of his weekend was.

“Saturday was the highlight. I had sweet dreams all night after meeting a wonderful lady: you! I hope to be able to relive the night.

And no date request since then.

I’ll go out with him again, despite risk of barfing. But a 44 year old needs to figure out on his own how to ask for a 2nd date without reciting a sonnet.

I don’t do high maintenance. No one should have to. Sexist or not, you need to man up.

*Just ask for my number. Seriously. Don’t make me do the work!!

Customs

Ok readers. (Reader?).

I need to solve a debate here.

I have made clear before in this space that I refuse to follow weird rules about asking questions and following conversation protocol with online acquaintances. But I hit a snag in this realm with a guy I thought was a normy, and now it’s sounding like I could be in the wrong.

What gives???

Here’s the deal. Had an enjoyable date with Guy on Wednesday. He suggested meeting near my place, which won him a million points right off the bat, then he proceeded to pick my fave bar. Up two million points. Had several drinks, some fun banter, and a front-seat make out. Seemed like another date was a lock.

Fast forward to Thursday afternoon. He texts “Hey, we’re short a person for softball tonight and thought I’d see if you’re interested since we talked about it last night.”

I responded “I can’t go tonight but thanks for thinking of me!” and waited for the invite to a real date.

I didn’t suggest other plans.

Know why?

He wasn’t asking me out! He was asking me something you’d ask your neighbor you run into taking out the trash! There was nothing to respond with unless I had an empty seat at book club. [side note: this isn’t a socially awkward guy who doesn’t know how to ask someone out]

Fast forward again until today when I texted “hi, how was your weekend, haven’t heard from you [winky tongue out face]”

His response: “I thought it was polite and customary that if someone asks you out, and you cannot make it, you counter offer with another time that you can make it.”

fuck.

that.

I thought it was customary that guys grow a pair after age 30.

If your idea of a 2nd date is joining your company softball team, we are not well matched. If you can’t recover from a girl being mediocre at texting, we are not well matched.

But from the 2 guys I’ve surveyed, apparently I’m totally in the wrong here. If he had asked me to dinner, a movie, the park, anything that wasn’t a last-minute technicality outing, I’d say “I can’t but maybe this weekend?” or something along those lines. But this is not a date.

So what do you think? Am I right? Or is it becoming more and more clear why I don’t have many second dates?

Right Place, Right Time

I’m figuring out that my go-to guy type is the right place, right time guy.

This is the guy that’s totally up for anything at any time. He’s spontaneous and super fun. As long as you’re with him or available at the exact moment he decides to have fun.

Right Place, Right Time (RPRT) will text to see if you want to do something, and in the 10 minutes it takes you to respond/act cool by not responding too quickly, he’ll have found someone else to go with. He’ll literally go to your house, and if you’re not there, he’ll find plans with someone else before you make it home. “Sorry babe, things change fast with me!”

RPRT is always up to hang out, so he has an ever-expanding network contacting him and/or available for plans at any moment.

I like RPRT because RPRTs are super social and super laid back. They’re welcoming to everyone but completely not pretentious. And they’re having too much fun to settle down*! I’m attracted to RPRTs because I fancy myself a fun and spontaneous person. Take a half day to go day drinking on the waterfront? Yes! Sign me up!

Except I’m more of a spontanxious person…Take a half day to go drinking on the waterfront? Yes! Sign me up, after giving me at least 2 days’ notice and checking the weather. And please accept my wrath when the plan inevitably falls through because something else came up for you. (Something that is totally valid but still infuriating because something comes up every single time.) And accept my passive aggressive texts later trying to make you realize how hurt I am even though that thought never crosses your mind.

I’ve deleted RPRT from my phone a few times after especially egregious ditches. Like the one time I changed plans for a wedding to see him and something else came up. Or the time he called me to check if I was at a local bar because he didn’t want to run into me there while he was with another girl. (Or at least that’s what I decided the call was for. He swears he was nearby at happy hour and then his phone died). No, I don’t have his number memorized. But I do have confidence he’ll call again eventually, and I’ll have completely forgiven him. Because the lure of a 10 second window to decide whether you want to spend the day on a boat is too much to resist. And maybe someday his that whole “things change so fast” maxim will apply to him falling for me.

Wah Wah

*RPRT doesn’t settle down until the second he gets lonely and then he imprints on whatever girl he sees first and marries her within 6 months.

+0

I saw this article this morning right on the heels of getting a guest-free invite to one of my closest friends’ weddings. In another state. On the weekend something else major in my life is happening.

The comments I read on this article were almost universally outraged. It’s the bride’s day! It’s not about you! Suck it up for a day! An extra person is so expensive!

All of which are true. And I’m not going to go through and dispute the anti-guest reasons as the article does that well. But I still don’t want you arbitrarily deciding whether I get to come to your wedding with a guest.

Why are you having a wedding if you don’t want to have your friends around having fun? And why does etiquette tell you it’s ok for me to be forced to show up alone but you have to invite a girl you’ve met twice because she’s living with your friend? I get that you don’t want a random person at your wedding and in your pictures, but I’m pretty sure the people whose wedding I was at in 2005 because I was seriously dating their friend aren’t happy I’m in those pics, yet they weren’t going to not give him a +1 because maybe we would break up some day.

I’ve never had a serious boyfriend at the time of a friend’s wedding so it’s sort of always been a bonus when I got a +1, and I’ve never taken taken a date anyway. But this invite came and I was capital P Pissed. There are 10 of us who are all really close and vacation together several times a year. 8 of us are married or in a long-term relationship; it’s already kind of getting to a point of discomfort when we’re all together, and this only emphasizes it.

If you’re 25, 26, even 30, that’s one thing. There will be a lot of single people at that event. That’s where your “making out with the bridesmaids” options fall. But when you’re 35, it’s a different story. First (and only) of all, we’re adults. There aren’t 5 of us carpooling and sharing a hotel room anymore. If I don’t have a date, I’m going to get to the wedding alone, stay alone, sit alone during slow songs, and go back to my room alone. All those married people with kids will chortle about how they haven’t been up this late in years(!) and go to bed right after the reception.

There’s a 50% chance your marriage won’t even work out, and you’re the one deciding whether my relationships are significant enough to bring someone with me? The fact is I’m not going to bring a random person to your wedding, but I should be able to choose, and you should be considerate enough to give me that choice.

PS:  They’re actively encouraging CHILDREN  to attend this wedding. So a date for me is too much of an inconvenience, but go ahead and bring your small, drunk humans.

No one tells you turning 30 comes with 10 extra pounds.

I swear the day I turned 30 I gained weight. In truth it happened over time one small pound at a time and I didn’t quite realize it. I gradually stopped going to the gym every day (even though I never worked out hard) and eating a little less healthily. Then all of a sudden I realized I was about 10-15 lbs heavier than I wanted to be. Nothing crazy, but heavier than I wanted to be.

The problem was, once I realized and made some changes, I wasn’t losing weight. I trained for and ran a half marathon. When not training, I ate 1200 calories a day. I switched to quinoa and spinach and whole wheat everything. I came to the conclusion that it was my antidepressants. It happened so gradually I didn’t make the connection, but I’m confident that was it given the weight gain+pill taking time frame. And once I thought about it, I realized how much my appetite had changed since being on meds. I used to eat half a sandwich and chips and be full all day and I ended up needing a whole cheesesteak plus fries plus still hungry by my peak weight time.

So I weaned off the pills with the help of a doctor and confidence I didn’t need them and there went the weight. About 5 lbs pretty quickly. Then another 10 over the next 6ish months with the help of an excellent diet: crippling depression. Turns out I did need the pills. Right as I reached the perfect weight I lost the will to live (I’m being flippant but for real…) and decided I had to do something, so after a few months with a psychiatrist I’m back on them. And back up 5 lbs.

Is it all a coincidence? Did I start taking pills around spring when I’d be out more eating and socializing? Does not hating life just  mean I’m out of bed more and able to eat? All those are possible/likely, but I’ve also increased my exercise time, so shouldn’t those balance out?

All of this is to say, I have to figure out if I’m going to be happy or skinny, right? Any first hand experience with this or post-30 weight loss tips?

Halfway to Invisible

I don’t even know what to say about this dialogue. Should I have ignored this guy since he was an ass from the get go (even in his profile)? Probably. Did I go out of my way to be kind to him? No. Is it my duty as a women to go out of my way to be kind to every guy who says hi to me through the interwebs? Apparently it is, and the rest of my life will be a struggle because of my refusal to do so.

PS: This guy is 15 years older than me and lives over an hour away.

Him: I would love to talk with you about […] and why you prefer the company of your dog over most people Sent from the OkCupid app June 3

Him: But it looks like you don’t want to…. Which is also ok Sent from the OkCupid app June 3

Me: I just hadn’t gotten a chance to respond, but your impatience makes me lose interest in chatting.

Him: I just noticed that you read and didn’t respond. It was an observation, not impatience. Had it been me, I would have responded “read your message, I’m busy right now but I’ll get back to you soon”. Every body handles things in their own way Sent from the OkCupid app June 3

Me: I’ve just noticed that guys will send a message, check visitors, and if they see I’ve looked but not responded within a few hours they’ll write back something pointed. Maybe I checked at a red light, maybe I checked at work and got called away. Regardless, it’s a turn off to immediately question me like that. Sent from the OkCupid app June 3

Him: People ask questions. Sorry if you’re turned off. That’s an over reaction to me

Him: If you react that harshly over the smallest things…. I can’t imagine how you’d react if something important happened. Sent from the OkCupid app June 4

Me: It happens constantly–as in several times a week–that I get a passive aggressive or aggressive message in this situation, and it shows a level of self absorption I’m not interested in. Sent from the OkCupid app June 4

Him: Sometimes an observation is an observation. And sometimes people just want to close the loop. Sent from the OkCupid app June 4

Me: Ok. I’m going to focus on the beach now. I love the beach. [as a dig at his comment that people shouldn’t put loving the beach in their profiles.]

Him: Can we meet before you go? Sent from the OkCupid app 1:37am

Me: eh

Him: Eh? Sent from the OkCupid app 10:27am

Him: Wth is eh? Sent from the OkCupid app 10:28am

Me: Eh is I’m not interested

Him: Ya know… You could at least be polite, since you’re obviously kindness challenged. But it makes me laugh. Your already halfway to invisible and you’ve learned nothing. I wish you the best. It doesn’t get easier for women like you. Sent from the OkCupid app 11:56am

Me: You’ve questioned me since the very first message you sent, and I have shared that I did not care for your responses. I am not invisible or unkind to the literally dozens of people I encounter each day with whom I actually have relationships. I don’t need to spend my time stroking the ego of strangers on the internet. But thanks for the snap assessment of my entire being. I’m sure you’re a treat in person.