tinder

Hindsight

Ever go on a date and it’s kinda ok and then you get home and start identifying all these dealbreakers?

This seems to be happening kind of a lot lately. While we’re hanging out chatting I’m not dying to get home. I think “I’d give him a second date.” Then I get home to my couch’s warm embrace away from the glow of whiskey and feel compelled to text.

“So I just went out with a more bitter version of [insert ex here].”

“So this guy tonight was grilling me about where I work. Is my job weird?”

“So this guy tonight said he puts butter in his coffee…”

(Ok so that last one is apparently a real thing. And actually something I might try when I’m not busy scarfing straight brown sugar.)

Am I sabotaging myself or am I trying so hard to be open minded I don’t even know what kind of company I like to keep anymore?

Like when I met up with the guy this week for drinks and he didn’t drink. That seemed weird and also awkward since I enjoy drinking and did so heartily. Naturally he didn’t pay for my drinks, which as we know is a major annoyance that I worry I should be more modern about but don’t want to be modern about. Espesh when my bar tab for the night is $9.50.

Also when I tried to explain him to a friend and said “he was kinda super negative but maybe it’s good to not always be optimistic?” Hearing myself out loud rationalizing a guy’s behavior by suggesting a positive outlook is a bad thing was jarring…

The past two half-hearted 2nd dates I regretted and the fact that I decided against sending a thank you text lest I have to have a conversation were a push to let it be a one and done with this guy. But I’ll keep wondering if I’m letting a guy’s one bad night keep me from a relationship or if I’m just too picky.

Trying to trust your (anxious, prone to depression) gut while also having an open heart is as confusing as it is tough.

 

 

*PS: That VH1 show Hindsight was awesome. Bring that back!

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How to Date

Step 1: Send increasingly panicked messages during the first interaction

Step 2: Immediately ask girl out in response to her snarky response

Step 3: Block her when she said no thank you

To meet or not to meet

So I met this guy on Tinder, and he seemed delightful. I even asked my friend, what’s secretly wrong with this guy, he seems attractive and nice. Her guess: recently divorced (not accurate). Turns out, the real answer is superjerk.

We started texting to make plans to meet. Tentative plan: Friday night after work. He texts me at 8 to see if I’m still interested and when I texted him back 30 min later (can’t seem too eager!) he said it had gotten too late. Also he wanted me to drive to him, which, seriously?

As we continued chatting after the plans went south, he started to get mean out of nowhere. Like after I asked where he lived he said “Do you live with your parents? I know how [girls like you] are.” Or later when he tried to make fun of where I was hanging out and I said “there are some older people here” he said “Oh I forgot [girls like you] are sensitive and can’t take a joke.” I mean wtf. I wasn’t even being sensitive! It wasn’t like a flirtatious back and forth. I haven’t even met him!

Anyhoo, he wants to hang out again this weekend. I planned to never meet him but now he’s being nicer and what if this is my big chance? Or am I just a glutton for punishment.

What would you do?

Again…

Here’s the trajectory of this relationship:

Friday: we connect! We have a mutual friend! Fun! He asks me for Saturday but I have friends in town

Wednesday: he texts in the morning and asks me if I want to get lunch. I’m unavailable. He texts throughout the day with notes about his activities

Thursday (today): the pictured texts and apparently deletion of my number.

The part cropped (ok I haven’t really figured out the snapshot stuff) says “How are you…” at 5:57pm same day.

Two winners in one week!

A) am I a bad person because I sometimes just mess with dating people for my own amusement?

B) This escalated quickly.

C) Soo I kinda want to see what he meant? My next comment was “seriously?!” and he didn’t respond. $1000 could buy a lot of ice cream. And when I say hook up I mean like make out in the parking lot of a Dave Matthews concert…is that not what it means anymore?
D) Someone said cops hang out on dating sites looking for hookers. Is that true? If it’s true, do they target people whose profile is 3/5 dog pics? I will not be pleased if I made it to my 30s without being arrested and a online hooker sting is what takes me down.

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New Frontiers

As if Tinder wasn’t enough of a pain before, now I’m gonna have to start carding my dates.

This guy said he was 32. His pictures were totes from a high school dance. Maybe prom, but he even looked to young for prom.

PS: Are MILFS really a thing? Do people sleep with their teachers as much as Amy Schumer says they do?

PPS: Congrats to me on figuring out how to blur out stuff on photos. A whole new world of tinder screenshot posts awaits.

Closed for Business

Remember the good old days where you’d sign up for a dating profile so a member of the opposite sex could judge you based on appearance alone and then invite you out to buy your own drink and decide if you want to make out with him?

Well, no more. Now you need to also navigate their open relationship with them.

Open relationships are relatively common online (more common that correctly spelling you’re, less common than looking for “a girl who looks great dressed up but can also hang out on the couch lol”).

This is fine.

It is also fine for me to say “no thank you, I don’t want to be involved.”

No, I don’t have any questions about the lifestyle. Really, I’m not curious, and I don’t care that your wife is totally on board. I don’t want to know how it works for you two, or how fulfilled I’d be.

It’s great that you’re happy, but it doesn’t require a dissertation. You’re trying to bone two people. The end.

I can barely find time for my naps and snacks in the same afternoon, I’m not trying to navigate you and your wife.

Post Date Update:

He wants to go out again. Of course.

I’ve gotten away with avoidance the past several times, but I had a feeling this one would stick. (The last date made clear that scheduling’s NBD, there’s plenty of girls online and girls have lots to do. If they want to meet up later or not at all, whatevs!)

I’m going away for a week and am hoping that takes care of it, but if not…what do I do? I think this is one where I have to be honest. Or do I give it another try with him? (I did that with a guy in the fall. The first date was AWFUL but he gave such good text I got sucked back in. Still awful, and this time so bad he got the hint.)

Does my desire to treat others as I wish to be treated outweigh my desire to avoid awkwardness? What do normal people do in this situation?

Post-Date. Spoiler Alert–it stunk.

I got there early –which never happens– and struck up a conversation with a nice couple at the bar.

“Hey going out and talking to people is fun after all!” I thought.

And then the date arrived, sidling up behind me. I immediately wished there was a way to keep hanging out with my new friends instead of him. He was nice and polite. And boring. So soboring.

Some of our conversations included “I gave up soda completely because it’s terrible for you” and “In case you haven’t guessed, I don’t dance.” Also, my favorite, “I can’t parallel park. I live in the city but I’m afraid of bumping someone and them getting mad.”

At that point, everything became a dealbreaker. You’re not hungry. Done. My whiskey drink is too strong for you? Done. You don’t let me get in the cab first? Goodbye.  (NB: He did pay for the bill, which is rare these days and a huge plus.)

Seriously, the boring dates are worse than the comically bad ones.

I’m starting to think I just really need to date older guys. Scarily enough, 27/28 is considerably younger than me anyway at this point. Since I’m exclusively finding guys online, and the clock is ticking, I hate to make strict restrictions like that, but I’m sorry…an IT guy in his 20s isn’t gonna do it for me. I need an imposing figure with a big personality who’s going to take control. I’ve been single and independent way too long to deal with someone wishy washy. I know what kind of interactions I want, and anyone remotely milquetoast has no chance.

So, conclusions/observations: younger guys aren’t confident enough yet and therefore intimidated by me? millennials are weenies? Hanging out with myself is more fun than hanging out with anyone else? What do my readers think?

Pre Date

Date night y’all!

(why do I keep saying y’all. i’m not from the south. too much FNL)

Obviously I don’t want to go. There is netflix to watch. But it’s “something to do” and “good to get out.” I can’t really tell if this guy is cute but I anticipate from the pics that he’s scrawny but maybe fun.

Still, it is fun to get dressed up and all. And there have been good first dates…the bad ones just stand out so much more.

Post date report tomorrow!