I put on a pair of yoga pants tonight and realized I’ve had them since 2002.
One of the longest relationship I’ve ever had is with elastic-waist lounge wear. (Actually that is pretty apropos considering my commitment to lazing.)
Meanwhile, today in Facebook updates:
5 years ago these friends had 0 homes and 0 kids.
But 5 years ago I had my yoga pants and I still do. So that’s…something?
Right after last night’s post I heard from the guy. Paraphrased:
Bitter: What are you up to tonight?
Me: Eating popcorn and watching tv.
Bitter: Your not gonna invited me over lol
[Typed “I don’t share popcorn with people who can’t spell you’re” but forgot to hit send]
(15 minute later)
Bitter: Do you throw your phone across the room after you get a text?
Me: I’m very busy with tv.
Bitter: Whatever
So I think that’s settled. But when I got up this morning something happened and my first thought was “Oh I want to tell [my student].” And I realized that I’m more eager to talk to and spend time with a high school girl than this guy. It was a great reminder that a) my gut tells me when I like someone (on any level, and this guy doesn’t even meet student-teacher likeability levels) and b) I’m not so messed up that I can’t form relationships and share things. Even if those things are beating your score in Words with Friends.
Ever go on a date and it’s kinda ok and then you get home and start identifying all these dealbreakers?
This seems to be happening kind of a lot lately. While we’re hanging out chatting I’m not dying to get home. I think “I’d give him a second date.” Then I get home to my couch’s warm embrace away from the glow of whiskey and feel compelled to text.
“So I just went out with a more bitter version of [insert ex here].”
“So this guy tonight was grilling me about where I work. Is my job weird?”
“So this guy tonight said he puts butter in his coffee…”
(Ok so that last one is apparently a real thing. And actually something I might try when I’m not busy scarfing straight brown sugar.)
Am I sabotaging myself or am I trying so hard to be open minded I don’t even know what kind of company I like to keep anymore?
Like when I met up with the guy this week for drinks and he didn’t drink. That seemed weird and also awkward since I enjoy drinking and did so heartily. Naturally he didn’t pay for my drinks, which as we know is a major annoyance that I worry I should be more modern about but don’t want to be modern about. Espesh when my bar tab for the night is $9.50.
Also when I tried to explain him to a friend and said “he was kinda super negative but maybe it’s good to not always be optimistic?” Hearing myself out loud rationalizing a guy’s behavior by suggesting a positive outlook is a bad thing was jarring…
The past two half-hearted 2nd dates I regretted and the fact that I decided against sending a thank you text lest I have to have a conversation were a push to let it be a one and done with this guy. But I’ll keep wondering if I’m letting a guy’s one bad night keep me from a relationship or if I’m just too picky.
Trying to trust your (anxious, prone to depression) gut while also having an open heart is as confusing as it is tough.
*PS: That VH1 show Hindsight was awesome. Bring that back!
When you think about the RPRT, all you think about is the fun. You’ll feel special! You’ll do something way more exciting than the nap you had planned.
Unfortunately, there are often side effects. Almost all side effects target the spontanxious in particular.
Side Effect 1: Indeterminate hours spent text stressing. Why didn’t he text back? What did “come if u want” really mean? Does he even care if I’m there? Who did he go out with when I didn’t respond fast enough? Does he like her [obviously it’s a her] better?
And so on.
Side Effect 2: Spontaxiety explodes once you’ve made a plan and arrive to find you’re on a date with RPRT and 15 of his closest friends. These friends tend to be hot, young girls.
Scene 1: Roll up to apartment a little bit tipsy (having drunk enough to be open to social interaction but to not be incapacitated) and find 3 other people present for our date to “chill.” Ok, I kinda wanted to go out, this can work.
Scene 2: Roll up to nearby bar. Realize immediately my adorbs bicycle print sundress is the wrong choice upon seeing RPRT’s “friends” are exclusively hot, 21, and dressed like kardashians.
Imagine less material on the right outfit…
But it’s cool, I’ll just chat with RPRT since I don’t know much about him. Oh wait, every single girl is OMGSOEXCITEDTOSEE him, including inside jokes and nicknames.
There is one of me and 8 of them (x100 for the fact they’re a clique of 8) and they DO NOT want to share their cute friend, and my general kinda drunkness + social anxiety + being factually out of place do not mix well. But because this guy is RPRT, he doesn’t notice anything amiss and is just having fun. “Hey, you never know what’s gonna happen?!” Obviously I play along and sit in the corner smiling maniacally so everyone thinks I’m having fun. If I leave I’ll look lame, and if I hang on him I’ll look lame and possessive. So I waited it out till last call. Turns out so did all the other girls and hey, they’re all coming back to his house!
At that point I did step in to be like “um how many more girls are you gonna invite over?” “HA HA! What can I say, they’re just all buds that want to show up!”
Yes, what a hilarious coincidence. Once again.
I’m figuring out that my go-to guy type is the right place, right time guy.
This is the guy that’s totally up for anything at any time. He’s spontaneous and super fun. As long as you’re with him or available at the exact moment he decides to have fun.
Right Place, Right Time (RPRT) will text to see if you want to do something, and in the 10 minutes it takes you to respond/act cool by not responding too quickly, he’ll have found someone else to go with. He’ll literally go to your house, and if you’re not there, he’ll find plans with someone else before you make it home. “Sorry babe, things change fast with me!”
RPRT is always up to hang out, so he has an ever-expanding network contacting him and/or available for plans at any moment.
I like RPRT because RPRTs are super social and super laid back. They’re welcoming to everyone but completely not pretentious. And they’re having too much fun to settle down*! I’m attracted to RPRTs because I fancy myself a fun and spontaneous person. Take a half day to go day drinking on the waterfront? Yes! Sign me up!
Except I’m more of a spontanxious person…Take a half day to go drinking on the waterfront? Yes! Sign me up, after giving me at least 2 days’ notice and checking the weather. And please accept my wrath when the plan inevitably falls through because something else came up for you. (Something that is totally valid but still infuriating because something comes up every single time.) And accept my passive aggressive texts later trying to make you realize how hurt I am even though that thought never crosses your mind.
I’ve deleted RPRT from my phone a few times after especially egregious ditches. Like the one time I changed plans for a wedding to see him and something else came up. Or the time he called me to check if I was at a local bar because he didn’t want to run into me there while he was with another girl. (Or at least that’s what I decided the call was for. He swears he was nearby at happy hour and then his phone died). No, I don’t have his number memorized. But I do have confidence he’ll call again eventually, and I’ll have completely forgiven him. Because the lure of a 10 second window to decide whether you want to spend the day on a boat is too much to resist. And maybe someday his that whole “things change so fast” maxim will apply to him falling for me.
Wah Wah
*RPRT doesn’t settle down until the second he gets lonely and then he imprints on whatever girl he sees first and marries her within 6 months.
I saw this article this morning right on the heels of getting a guest-free invite to one of my closest friends’ weddings. In another state. On the weekend something else major in my life is happening.
The comments I read on this article were almost universally outraged. It’s the bride’s day! It’s not about you! Suck it up for a day! An extra person is so expensive!
All of which are true. And I’m not going to go through and dispute the anti-guest reasons as the article does that well. But I still don’t want you arbitrarily deciding whether I get to come to your wedding with a guest.
Why are you having a wedding if you don’t want to have your friends around having fun? And why does etiquette tell you it’s ok for me to be forced to show up alone but you have to invite a girl you’ve met twice because she’s living with your friend? I get that you don’t want a random person at your wedding and in your pictures, but I’m pretty sure the people whose wedding I was at in 2005 because I was seriously dating their friend aren’t happy I’m in those pics, yet they weren’t going to not give him a +1 because maybe we would break up some day.
I’ve never had a serious boyfriend at the time of a friend’s wedding so it’s sort of always been a bonus when I got a +1, and I’ve never taken taken a date anyway. But this invite came and I was capital P Pissed. There are 10 of us who are all really close and vacation together several times a year. 8 of us are married or in a long-term relationship; it’s already kind of getting to a point of discomfort when we’re all together, and this only emphasizes it.
If you’re 25, 26, even 30, that’s one thing. There will be a lot of single people at that event. That’s where your “making out with the bridesmaids” options fall. But when you’re 35, it’s a different story. First (and only) of all, we’re adults. There aren’t 5 of us carpooling and sharing a hotel room anymore. If I don’t have a date, I’m going to get to the wedding alone, stay alone, sit alone during slow songs, and go back to my room alone. All those married people with kids will chortle about how they haven’t been up this late in years(!) and go to bed right after the reception.
There’s a 50% chance your marriage won’t even work out, and you’re the one deciding whether my relationships are significant enough to bring someone with me? The fact is I’m not going to bring a random person to your wedding, but I should be able to choose, and you should be considerate enough to give me that choice.
PS: They’re actively encouraging CHILDREN to attend this wedding. So a date for me is too much of an inconvenience, but go ahead and bring your small, drunk humans.
I don’t even know what to say about this dialogue. Should I have ignored this guy since he was an ass from the get go (even in his profile)? Probably. Did I go out of my way to be kind to him? No. Is it my duty as a women to go out of my way to be kind to every guy who says hi to me through the interwebs? Apparently it is, and the rest of my life will be a struggle because of my refusal to do so.
PS: This guy is 15 years older than me and lives over an hour away.
Him: I would love to talk with you about […] and why you prefer the company of your dog over most people Sent from the OkCupid app June 3
Him: But it looks like you don’t want to…. Which is also ok Sent from the OkCupid app
Me: I just hadn’t gotten a chance to respond, but your impatience makes me lose interest in chatting.
Him: I just noticed that you read and didn’t respond. It was an observation, not impatience. Had it been me, I would have responded “read your message, I’m busy right now but I’ll get back to you soon”. Every body handles things in their own way Sent from the OkCupid app
Me: I’ve just noticed that guys will send a message, check visitors, and if they see I’ve looked but not responded within a few hours they’ll write back something pointed. Maybe I checked at a red light, maybe I checked at work and got called away. Regardless, it’s a turn off to immediately question me like that. Sent from the OkCupid app
Him: People ask questions. Sorry if you’re turned off. That’s an over reaction to me
Him: If you react that harshly over the smallest things…. I can’t imagine how you’d react if something important happened. Sent from the OkCupid app
Me: It happens constantly–as in several times a week–that I get a passive aggressive or aggressive message in this situation, and it shows a level of self absorption I’m not interested in. Sent from the OkCupid app
Him: Sometimes an observation is an observation. And sometimes people just want to close the loop. Sent from the OkCupid app
Me: Ok. I’m going to focus on the beach now. I love the beach. [as a dig at his comment that people shouldn’t put loving the beach in their profiles.]
Him: Can we meet before you go? Sent from the OkCupid app
Me: eh
Him: Eh? Sent from the OkCupid app
Him: Wth is eh? Sent from the OkCupid app
Me: Eh is I’m not interested
Him: Ya know… You could at least be polite, since you’re obviously kindness challenged. But it makes me laugh. Your already halfway to invisible and you’ve learned nothing. I wish you the best. It doesn’t get easier for women like you. Sent from the OkCupid app
Me: You’ve questioned me since the very first message you sent, and I have shared that I did not care for your responses. I am not invisible or unkind to the literally dozens of people I encounter each day with whom I actually have relationships. I don’t need to spend my time stroking the ego of strangers on the internet. But thanks for the snap assessment of my entire being. I’m sure you’re a treat in person.
Are you for real?
He’s just outside your match preferences!
HE LIVES IN WISCONSIN.
It would only cost $474 and/or 11 hours of my life to have our first date.
That’s over 674 miles outside my match preferences.
And you know why we’re such a great match? Because we both like sports, and music, and books, and dogs. I bet he also likes breathing and food. (Nothing against you personally, Andrew, I’m sure you’re a swell guy and would make an actual great match for someone within 100 miles of your home.)
The only reason I signed up for eharm was because I saw a great deal during an especially low (aka drunk) point in my evening and thought who can put a price tag on love. I’ve decided it’s not so much the high cost that makes eharm the worst but the love shaming they put you through. I got 10 new matches today; 6 of them are “great matches that happen to be just outside my settings.” Then there’s the “what if” section with more great matches just outside my settings. It should be called the “if you really wanted to find love you’d be less picky” section or the “are you sure you’re really putting yourself out there?” section.
Thanks, but I don’t need the internet to remind me I’m alone along with everyone else.
There comes a time in every young girl’s life where she has to look herself in the mirror and answer a question. (No, not “do I actually look cool in aviators” or “am I too old to wear this cutout dress”)
Am I getting bitter or are people just terrible?
You may remember my thoughts on bitterness from previous musings such as “I no longer care my friends are pregnant” or “no I don’t want to get in on the gift card to help the person having kids he can’t afford” or even “how dare you not invite me to your child’s 2nd birthday party even though I’ll just complain about being obligated to go.”
Here are a few recent for instances that had me wondering if it’s not me, it’s you:
I’m super jealous of my parents’/grandparents’ generation. Sure they had to use a phone book and might never get to find out who that guy was in that movie without google, but they only had to deal with other people’s annoying lives once a year in holiday cards. And they could make fun of them at the bar they went out to after they put the kids to bed, because that’s what parents did then. The real good old days.
The Couch Monologues 