When you think about the RPRT, all you think about is the fun. You’ll feel special! You’ll do something way more exciting than the nap you had planned.

Unfortunately, there are often side effects. Almost all side effects target the spontanxious in particular.

Side Effect 1: Indeterminate hours spent text stressing. Why didn’t he text back? What did “come if u want” really mean? Does he even care if I’m there? Who did he go out with when I didn’t respond fast enough? Does he like her [obviously it’s a her] better?

And so on.

Side Effect 2: Spontaxiety explodes once you’ve made a plan and arrive to find you’re on a date with RPRT and 15 of his closest friends. These friends tend to be hot, young girls.

Scene 1: Roll up to apartment a little bit tipsy (having drunk enough to be open to social interaction but to not be incapacitated) and find 3 other people present for our date to “chill.” Ok, I kinda wanted to go out, this can work.

Scene 2: Roll up to nearby bar. Realize immediately my adorbs bicycle print sundress is the wrong choice upon seeing RPRT’s “friends” are exclusively hot, 21, and dressed like kardashians.

Imagine less material on the right outfit…

But it’s cool, I’ll just chat with RPRT since I don’t know much about him. Oh wait, every single girl is OMGSOEXCITEDTOSEE him, including inside jokes and nicknames.

There is one of me and 8 of them (x100 for the fact they’re a clique of 8) and they DO NOT want to share their cute friend, and my general kinda drunkness + social anxiety + being factually out of place do not mix well. But because this guy is RPRT, he doesn’t notice anything amiss and is just having fun. “Hey, you never know what’s gonna happen?!” Obviously I play along and sit in the corner smiling maniacally so everyone thinks I’m having fun. If I leave I’ll look lame, and if I hang on him I’ll look lame and possessive. So I waited it out till last call. Turns out so did all the other girls and hey, they’re all coming back to his house!

At that point I did step in to be like “um how many more girls are you gonna invite over?” “HA HA! What can I say, they’re just all buds that want to show up!”

Yes, what a hilarious coincidence. Once again.