Working on my Fitness

Tonight I was eating brown sugar out of the jar for dinner, as one does, and I remembered how I had promised this morning, when my pants didn’t fit, that I would eat better starting NOW.

So I decided if I was going to keep eating sugar I had to do squats while I ate. I did 25 squats, until I couldn’t breathe.

Right Place, Right Time

I’m figuring out that my go-to guy type is the right place, right time guy.

This is the guy that’s totally up for anything at any time. He’s spontaneous and super fun. As long as you’re with him or available at the exact moment he decides to have fun.

Right Place, Right Time (RPRT) will text to see if you want to do something, and in the 10 minutes it takes you to respond/act cool by not responding too quickly, he’ll have found someone else to go with. He’ll literally go to your house, and if you’re not there, he’ll find plans with someone else before you make it home. “Sorry babe, things change fast with me!”

RPRT is always up to hang out, so he has an ever-expanding network contacting him and/or available for plans at any moment.

I like RPRT because RPRTs are super social and super laid back. They’re welcoming to everyone but completely not pretentious. And they’re having too much fun to settle down*! I’m attracted to RPRTs because I fancy myself a fun and spontaneous person. Take a half day to go day drinking on the waterfront? Yes! Sign me up!

Except I’m more of a spontanxious person…Take a half day to go drinking on the waterfront? Yes! Sign me up, after giving me at least 2 days’ notice and checking the weather. And please accept my wrath when the plan inevitably falls through because something else came up for you. (Something that is totally valid but still infuriating because something comes up every single time.) And accept my passive aggressive texts later trying to make you realize how hurt I am even though that thought never crosses your mind.

I’ve deleted RPRT from my phone a few times after especially egregious ditches. Like the one time I changed plans for a wedding to see him and something else came up. Or the time he called me to check if I was at a local bar because he didn’t want to run into me there while he was with another girl. (Or at least that’s what I decided the call was for. He swears he was nearby at happy hour and then his phone died). No, I don’t have his number memorized. But I do have confidence he’ll call again eventually, and I’ll have completely forgiven him. Because the lure of a 10 second window to decide whether you want to spend the day on a boat is too much to resist. And maybe someday his that whole “things change so fast” maxim will apply to him falling for me.

Wah Wah

*RPRT doesn’t settle down until the second he gets lonely and then he imprints on whatever girl he sees first and marries her within 6 months.

Ghosting

Suggested amendment to the constitution: no one over the age of 25 should be able to exit a relationship without explanation. If you can rent a car, you can text that you don’t want to hang out anymore. You can leave a post it, email, paper airplane, but there is no excuse for ghosting!

The rules are simple: if you meet any of the following criteria, you’re in a relationship and you must close the account before moving on. Been out alone, on purpose, 3 or more times [occasionally bumped to 5 depending on nature of outing]; more than 1 sleepover; more than 12 hours spent talking on an actual telephone; the break up-er has given a gift of any nature to the break up-ee.

These things don’t make a guy your boyfriend, but they do mean you have enough of a connection that human decency dictates you’re owed closure. This is not difficult. Next time she texts you about plans, don’t just not respond or say “thanks but i have this [imaginary] birthday party” because this makes her think you might still be interested, and she’ll keep finding a way to text you when she’s a little bit tipsy even though she knows you’d make the plans if you actually wanted to hang out, and then she’ll just feel embarrassed until she finally deletes your number, causing weeks of uncertainty vs a quick band-aid pull.

So grow a pair and just say “hey thanks but I don’t think we make a good match as a couple.”

Shit that’s just as bad.

Fine. Carry on with your ghosting.