Suggested amendment to the constitution: no one over the age of 25 should be able to exit a relationship without explanation. If you can rent a car, you can text that you don’t want to hang out anymore. You can leave a post it, email, paper airplane, but there is no excuse for ghosting!

The rules are simple: if you meet any of the following criteria, you’re in a relationship and you must close the account before moving on. Been out alone, on purpose, 3 or more times [occasionally bumped to 5 depending on nature of outing]; more than 1 sleepover; more than 12 hours spent talking on an actual telephone; the break up-er has given a gift of any nature to the break up-ee.

These things don’t make a guy your boyfriend, but they do mean you have enough of a connection that human decency dictates you’re owed closure. This is not difficult. Next time she texts you about plans, don’t just not respond or say “thanks but i have this [imaginary] birthday party” because this makes her think you might still be interested, and she’ll keep finding a way to text you when she’s a little bit tipsy even though she knows you’d make the plans if you actually wanted to hang out, and then she’ll just feel embarrassed until she finally deletes your number, causing weeks of uncertainty vs a quick band-aid pull.

So grow a pair and just say “hey thanks but I don’t think we make a good match as a couple.”

Shit that’s just as bad.

Fine. Carry on with your ghosting.