+0

I saw this article this morning right on the heels of getting a guest-free invite to one of my closest friends’ weddings. In another state. On the weekend something else major in my life is happening.

The comments I read on this article were almost universally outraged. It’s the bride’s day! It’s not about you! Suck it up for a day! An extra person is so expensive!

All of which are true. And I’m not going to go through and dispute the anti-guest reasons as the article does that well. But I still don’t want you arbitrarily deciding whether I get to come to your wedding with a guest.

Why are you having a wedding if you don’t want to have your friends around having fun? And why does etiquette tell you it’s ok for me to be forced to show up alone but you have to invite a girl you’ve met twice because she’s living with your friend? I get that you don’t want a random person at your wedding and in your pictures, but I’m pretty sure the people whose wedding I was at in 2005 because I was seriously dating their friend aren’t happy I’m in those pics, yet they weren’t going to not give him a +1 because maybe we would break up some day.

I’ve never had a serious boyfriend at the time of a friend’s wedding so it’s sort of always been a bonus when I got a +1, and I’ve never taken taken a date anyway. But this invite came and I was capital P Pissed. There are 10 of us who are all really close and vacation together several times a year. 8 of us are married or in a long-term relationship; it’s already kind of getting to a point of discomfort when we’re all together, and this only emphasizes it.

If you’re 25, 26, even 30, that’s one thing. There will be a lot of single people at that event. That’s where your “making out with the bridesmaids” options fall. But when you’re 35, it’s a different story. First (and only) of all, we’re adults. There aren’t 5 of us carpooling and sharing a hotel room anymore. If I don’t have a date, I’m going to get to the wedding alone, stay alone, sit alone during slow songs, and go back to my room alone. All those married people with kids will chortle about how they haven’t been up this late in years(!) and go to bed right after the reception.

There’s a 50% chance your marriage won’t even work out, and you’re the one deciding whether my relationships are significant enough to bring someone with me? The fact is I’m not going to bring a random person to your wedding, but I should be able to choose, and you should be considerate enough to give me that choice.

PS:¬† They’re actively encouraging CHILDREN¬† to attend this wedding. So a date for me is too much of an inconvenience, but go ahead and bring your small, drunk humans.

Wah Wah*

Two of my very good friends have had babies in the past few weeks.

I don’t care.

I don’t want to see pictures, I don’t want to know anything about it.

I’m not an anti-kids person. There was a time I teared up over every pregnancy announcement. Siblings of friends, coworkers, high school classmates. I was buying baby gifts for every occupied uterus within a 5 miles radius, weeping through the baby clothes racks. (That reminds me: at no point in my downward spiral did I get tired of joking about babies wanting a “womb with a view.” That shit is timeless)

I’m just out of energy for being happy for other people. I hate being disinterested. I hate being the bitter, pitied single person. I hate being too selfish to care about other people’s milestones over my loneliness. But anymore, engagements and births aren’t exciting milestones to share with my friends–they’re an express ticket to adult life, where there are no openings for those of us who sleep past 7am on a Saturday and eat Combos for dinner.

Early on, people with babies tried to keep up with the childless, but then a) those people had a second kid and/or b) the parents hit critical mass and outnumbered us. Now if I want to see my friends it either has to be an event that ends at 9pm or the kids have to be invited, and if the kids are invited it’s fine, but I’m the only one without a kid and people ask why I’m at the event when I don’t have kids.

Older childless people I know have recommended literally getting an entirely new set of friends if I hope to maintain any social life. I haven’t made a new friend in 10 years!! Babies are going to force new friends on me!??

*the sound of both me and a baby whining