Dear Eharmony:

Are you for real?

He's just outside your match preferences!

He’s just outside your match preferences!

HE LIVES IN WISCONSIN.

It would only cost $474 and/or 11 hours of my life to have our first date.

It would only cost $474 and/or 11 hours of my life to have our first date.

That’s over 674 miles outside my match preferences.

And you know why we’re such a great match? Because we both like sports, and music, and books, and dogs. I bet he also likes breathing and food. (Nothing against you personally, Andrew, I’m sure you’re a swell guy and would make an actual great match for someone within 100 miles of your home.)

The only reason I signed up for eharm was because I saw a great deal during an especially low (aka drunk) point in my evening and thought who can put a price tag on love. I’ve decided it’s not so much the high cost that makes eharm the worst but the love shaming they put you through. I got 10 new matches today; 6 of them are “great matches that happen to be just outside my settings.” Then there’s the “what if” section with more great matches just outside my settings. It should be called the “if you really wanted to find love you’d be less picky” section or the “are you sure you’re really putting yourself out there?” section.

Thanks, but I don’t need the internet to remind me I’m alone along with everyone else.

Bitter or?

There comes a time in every young girl’s life where she has to look herself in the mirror and answer a question. (No, not “do I actually look cool in aviators” or “am I too old to wear this cutout dress”)

Am I getting bitter or are people just terrible?

You may remember my thoughts on bitterness from previous musings such as “I no longer care my friends are pregnant” or “no I don’t want to get in on the gift card to help the person having kids he can’t afford” or even “how dare you not invite me to your child’s 2nd birthday party even though I’ll just complain about being obligated to go.”

Here are a few recent for instances that had me wondering if it’s not me, it’s you:

  • a family of 3 sisters has a combined 11 children under the age of 7ish. They were actually pretty well behaved but still required the collective attention of all 6 parents and all strangers in the rows surrounding then. Why do you have so many children?! You don’t need free labor for a farm!
  • Teenagers. The end.
  • friend’s fb posts increase exponentially now that she has a boyfriend. Stage 1: Oh he seems like a nice guy. Good for her. Stage 2: wow there’s a lot of pics from her now but that’s sweet that they’re taking all these trips. Stage 3: um that’s not a trip, that’s the lobby of your apartment. Stage 4: No, you don’t have to post just one more!! Stage 5: STFU.
  • Engagement photos are dumb
  • YOUR CHILD’S NAME IS NOT A HASHTAG!!!!

I’m super jealous of my parents’/grandparents’ generation. Sure they had to use a phone book and might never get to find out who that guy was in that movie without google, but they only had to deal with other people’s annoying lives once a year in holiday cards. And they could make fun of them at the bar they went out to after they put the kids to bed, because that’s what parents did then. The real good old days.

Closed for Business

Remember the good old days where you’d sign up for a dating profile so a member of the opposite sex could judge you based on appearance alone and then invite you out to buy your own drink and decide if you want to make out with him?

Well, no more. Now you need to also navigate their open relationship with them.

Open relationships are relatively common online (more common that correctly spelling you’re, less common than looking for “a girl who looks great dressed up but can also hang out on the couch lol”).

This is fine.

It is also fine for me to say “no thank you, I don’t want to be involved.”

No, I don’t have any questions about the lifestyle. Really, I’m not curious, and I don’t care that your wife is totally on board. I don’t want to know how it works for you two, or how fulfilled I’d be.

It’s great that you’re happy, but it doesn’t require a dissertation. You’re trying to bone two people. The end.

I can barely find time for my naps and snacks in the same afternoon, I’m not trying to navigate you and your wife.

Post-Date. Spoiler Alert–it stunk.

I got there early –which never happens– and struck up a conversation with a nice couple at the bar.

“Hey going out and talking to people is fun after all!” I thought.

And then the date arrived, sidling up behind me. I immediately wished there was a way to keep hanging out with my new friends instead of him. He was nice and polite. And boring. So soboring.

Some of our conversations included “I gave up soda completely because it’s terrible for you” and “In case you haven’t guessed, I don’t dance.” Also, my favorite, “I can’t parallel park. I live in the city but I’m afraid of bumping someone and them getting mad.”

At that point, everything became a dealbreaker. You’re not hungry. Done. My whiskey drink is too strong for you? Done. You don’t let me get in the cab first? Goodbye.  (NB: He did pay for the bill, which is rare these days and a huge plus.)

Seriously, the boring dates are worse than the comically bad ones.

I’m starting to think I just really need to date older guys. Scarily enough, 27/28 is considerably younger than me anyway at this point. Since I’m exclusively finding guys online, and the clock is ticking, I hate to make strict restrictions like that, but I’m sorry…an IT guy in his 20s isn’t gonna do it for me. I need an imposing figure with a big personality who’s going to take control. I’ve been single and independent way too long to deal with someone wishy washy. I know what kind of interactions I want, and anyone remotely milquetoast has no chance.

So, conclusions/observations: younger guys aren’t confident enough yet and therefore intimidated by me? millennials are weenies? Hanging out with myself is more fun than hanging out with anyone else? What do my readers think?

Curl Up and Dye

For the first time in my life, I came home tonight and sobbed after a haircut. I’m not always pleased, but I’ve never cried. Which is odd, as I pretty much cry at least once a day.

This was a new place I decided to try because I had been trying for a month to get an appointment at my normal place (which was no longer convenient to my work) and there wasn’t going to be one with my usual stylist for at least another month. A new acquaintance recommended this place and even called and got me the appointment. Reviews online were overwhelmingly 5 star, save a few 1 star reviews railing against terrible cuts.

First of all, I went in blonde with clearly visible roots and wanted “blonde highlights so everything brightens up.” I showed 7(!) pics of my hair at its ideal color. Long story short, my hair is now uniformly brown. There’s dimension, but it’s brown dimension. Before she even finished blow drying she was starting to say how it takes a few days for the highlights to lighten and I could come back for more highlights if it wasn’t light enough.

What?!

I need to wait 3 shampoos to figure out if you did my hair right? Organic hair color is “exactly the same” until it’s not and screws up my hair. Please return my harmful chemicals and my lovely highlights.

And that was before the terrible cut. I had grown out my hair for 18 months and wanted about 2 inches off with some shape. Long story short, 5 inches, completely blunt all the way around. I said this when she finished and she did a few angles around the face but still totally blunt around the rest of the way. I of course wish I had spoken up more, but you second guess yourself when you’ve already spoken up and the expert says it’s done. I don’t even really know how it can be fixed. It’s too short now for long layers and any other shaping.

It’s not the end of the world of course. It may even seem fine tomorrow. It’s just so sad that all those months of growing are gone for something not even cute. And it makes me second guess myself as an adult (as always). Why can’t I communicate better what I want? Why can’t I speak up better in the moment. I feel like I did more than I would have in the past but still not enough. I think that environment just makes you feel like you need to trust the stylist (like the doctor, or masseuse, or nail technician, or mechanic…). We’re all conditioned to feel that speaking up = complaining = being rude vs. being assertive, and as someone who has a problem speaking up in general, it’s just that much harder in this type of situation. I don’t feel I was rude or out of line at all, but I also don’t feel I got what I want…

What is the best way to be sure you get what you want? And how do you find new stores when you move? I’ve bopped around to many salons by reading reviews and have never had this problem before. This time I even had a personal recommendation! I hated the hair of everyone in this place tonight, but that’s usually not a good signal because hair stylists are trendy. *(@#%*(&%(*$@##)&%@*%&@!!!!!! Why is everything so hard!

 

Things People with Kids Say that Make Their Childless Friends Stabby

  • Yes! Babypalooza!
  • But let’s talk about [pregnant person], how are you feeling?
  • 7pm is a little late to go out
  • Anything about breasts
  • You’re invited to [child’s] birthday party!
  • I’m not drinking tonight (aka I’m pregnant again)
  • Wow, you slept in till 9 am? 6 am is a treat for me since I have so much to do! Ha. Ha.
  • Well your [hair, hips, privates, wardrobe] will never be the same once you have kids!
  • Maybe instead of going out in the city you just want to come over here?