People credit the development of the birth control pill for giving women freedom to leave the home. I guess that’s true and all, but I’m really grateful to it for helping me plan the gauntlet of PMS week down to the minute.

Monday: Why am I so tired? [Yawn] Holy crap I’m tired. How do people have children and have to deal with them along with their own exhaustion? When can I take a nap? Maybe I can just rest my eyes here at the red light.

Tuesday: That looks disgusting. I don’t want to eat anything. Also I hate you. Stop smiling at me, kid.

Wednesday: Why don’t I have more food in front of me? I never want to stop eating. For dinner I’ll have chicken and vegetables and chex mix and pretzels and m&ms and hot chocolate and I’ll make some cookies so I can eat the cookie dough.

Thursday: [weeping] My dog is just so cute and what if he dies and what about all the stray dogs and the dogs at the dog meat farm in Korea and….

Friday: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz