A Monday OKC treat

This guy has been creepily messaging me on and off for a year. I believe we sent a few messages but never made plans to go out, and then it started to get weird, like if I disabled my account then came back, within minutes I’d have a “hey you’re back!” message from him. [Also, he requests people under 4’9″ not message him. Is there really that much of a issue with very short people contacting you that you need to explicitly discourage them?]

He’s continued to come and go with different profile names every few weeks sending equally creepy and over-familiar messages to which I did not respond. And today:

hey stranger… hope things are well and you’re surviving this winter! wondering if you’d like to go out with me and a girl I met here on OKC?

No!! NO! I don’t want to speak to you let alone get sucked into you weird group sex life.

So between this and yesterday’s post, my question: is online dating this weird for guys too? Yes, it’s an inherently weird endeavor, but I just can’t imagine guys getting the same low-level harassment from girls. Even the guys who “aren’t creepy” use it to their advantage by promising not to be creepy since they “know how tough it is for girls on here.” (Unfortunately this medium also brings out guys with the worst social skills.) The only time I get feministy is when dealing with this, but where else can I go for love?!

 

Sundays with OkCupid

  • Harassed if you do, harassed if you don’t….
    [From a guy 12 years older and 304 miles away]
    Hey there 😉 so i won’t waste your time and I will be honest. I am a sweet, fun and down to earth guy. I think we have a good bit in common and would get along nicely. So it wouldn’t hurt for you to message me and see where goes. So if you like what you see message me;)
    Your very pretty :). So what are you looking for
    You like Italians ;)???
    [after 3 no responses he’s not deterred, so:]
    Me: …no
    Him: Ok then well i tried. Considerably your loss
    Me: I’ll just comfort myself with my ability to spell things correctly
    Him: WOW Get over yourself
     
    Him: No wonder your single
    Obviously I’m the one with something wrong…
    Honestly is definitely not the best policy in this situation…
    While all of this sounds great it comes with a catch. To be perfectly honest — despite all of the above I feel like I’m a bit of train wreck right now. I’ve been divorced for about two years and and have kind of let myself go — both physically and when it comes to my social life — and have become pretty kind of down about it at times. Rather than go out and do things I’ve been hibernating at home all winter which has only made things worse.
    …um no thanks
    Again, I’m the weirdo…
    [After 3 ignored messages]
    I know I know. Im married. Guess u dont like bad boys
    Me: Cheating on your wife doesn’t equal bad boy, it equals asshole.
    Him: True that. Thanks for the reminder.
    As much as I liked married Catholic “sexy” cops from other states, I think I dodged a bullet there.

 

I Don’t Want to Be Alone Forever But…

More and more as I’m on dates, there’s a part of me that thinks “I’d just assume be doing this alone.” The date gets me out of the house but probability says it’s not going to work out. And somehow I’m constantly surprised by the ways in which it won’t work out. Options for red flags are never ending.

Tonight:

Started out great! He was interested in an outing that I hadn’t gotten any friends to agree to. We met up and he was cute and smelled good (an underrated bonus) and conversation was flowing, even though he was allergic to the sun*, my most beloved companion. Unfortunately it flowed right into whether or not it was appropriate to use certain derogatory terms that were ok 20 years ago. He felt it was ok and explained that opinion in a way I understood, until he kept saying the words over and over.

Guys: as a rule, don’t use any potentially offensive words until date 2.

Next taboo topic was religion, another thing he had very strong, repetitive ideas on, many of which happened to attack my own beliefs.

Guys: don’t criticize religion or any other major beliefs until you know your date’s stance.

These things were in the back of my head but otherwise it was all continuing to go well. Then it came time to get another drink and he started saying things like “hey, I’m going to get a drink, but don’t feel like you have to stay.”

What?

I guess since we weren’t somewhere like dinner with a definitive end point this was reasonable?

Anyway, we hung out until after 12, at which point I decided to go home (which I had foreshadowed since I had to work the next day). So we go out to get cabs and he hangs back. “Oh I’ve been texting some friends to meet up so they’re going to come get me.”

Dude, have the decency to pretend you didn’t spend the night working on backup plans to me.

As I often do after weird dates like this, I feel even more confident in my awesomeness (I’m good at conversation! I have varied, unusual interests! I’m fun!) and even more sad there’s no one to match my awesomeness.

*When I hear something that will 100% not mesh with my lifestyle, like not liking the sun, my instinct is to rationalize why it won’t be a problem. The question is, should I be compromising more on things like this? And is that why I haven’t found anyone? Or is it bs to need to change my life to accommodate someone else. How does anyone survive in a couple with anyone else?!

Another question attack!

This is the exact conversation we had:

Him [opening message]: How’s your weekend? When was the last time you went camping? [side: my profile mentions my hatred of camping but says “super outdoorsy.” people are…misguided about the sarcasm here.]

Me: Hi! Last time I camped was 5 years ago!

Him: tsk tsk

Me: ? [side: that should count as a question]

Him: I might be misreading you but, it seems a shame this is has been so long since it seems that camping is something you really enjoy? I probably haven’t been in 5 years either.

Me: Haha yes you’re misreading. That was my first and last trip. I actually did enjoy it but I’m much more of a beach person!

Him [8 minutes later]: Well you don’t really seem like you’re trying to engage me in conversation so I am going to assume you’re not interested. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

 

Naturally my response was “why because I’m not asking forced questions” and he responded that if you don’t ask questions the conversation ends and I was being dismissive. The confrontor in me wanted to keep attacking his logic but I stopped responding. Interestingly enough, I have a date with two guys this week who didn’t ask any unnatural questions. The banter was delightful and we even joked about how incredulous we were that we managed to converse without ending every statement with a question.

Basically I’m just refusing to play the online dating game. As such, I’ve not had much success. But is it really success if you have to play by rules set by people you wouldn’t like anyway? I’m still banking on occasional (or even frequent) loneliness beating the chokehold of a relationship with the wrong person for the sake of companionship.

Ghosting Follow Up

Can I reply to my own blog post? I should figure that out. Instead a whole new post as an addendum to my ghosting post.

The main ghoster I was referencing contacted me this weekend. The text?

“How are you! I just saw you on tinder the other day. How’s it going?”

W

T

F

Seriously you just completely stopped responding to me after 8 weeks of continuous talking and trying to hang out (which was generally thwarted by your busy schedule) and you’re texting me about tinder? And you’re going to say out loud that “my buddies made me an account to push me out there… hahaha it’s so funny….”

I responded that it didn’t really seem like he had time to date to which I got another hahaha followed by

“It probably does seem that way given our lack of communication…”

Me: “our?”

Him: “Hahaha. Thats fair…”

So suddenly you have enough free time to ha ha ha it up, learn how to use ellipses, and date.

This guy’s really not an asshole. I think he’s just a p-word and/or clueless, like many guys. And/or I’m so bad at reading guys that I misconstrue things like a month of nightly phone calls as dating. Seriously how does anyone get together ever.

?

Online dating is seriously the worst. It takes a ton of time to do it right, you constantly feel defeated because it’s full of losers/people 50 miles away/guys who want you to help them go dress shopping and you’re gonna be alone forever.

This weekend’s kicker: I got internet yelled at by a guy for not being responsive enough after 4 messages. Here’s how it went:

Him: watching football today?

Me: Yes! From the couch.

Him [later]: make it off the couch?

Me: Yes, I just went out to meet some friends!

Him: I’m pretty upset this turned out to be a one sided conversation with a bitch. Good luck on the site.

Now, I was (I think rightfully) outraged. a) I owe this guy nothing and b) I responded to every message AND USED EXCLAMATION POINTS! Granted, I wasn’t super interested and engaging, but neither was he. I asked a few guy friends and they AGREED with jerkface.

“He shouldn’t have called you a bitch but you didn’t ask him any questions.”

Did you know it’s required to ask questions at the end of every statement you make? Apparently that’s the way you have to talk in the 21st century. If a question presents itself, great. “That dog in your pic is almost as cute as mine! What is it?” But mostly I like to be witty and leave an ending comment that invites response. Like a normal person in a normal conversation. “I saw this movie this weekend. It was awesome! Hippos are so cute.” “But hippos are the most dangerous mammal! A movie about sloths would be much safer.” See? Two people getting along. But I’ve now heard on multiple occasions that that strategy is the sole reason I’m single. (more or less) Because instead of expecting a guy to be interesting enough to talk to me freestyle, I need to have a spreadsheet of questions.

Let’s be honest: I’m going to hate going out with the guy who has the preplanned questions. And you all know him. Everything ends with a question that sort of makes sense, but not really, and there are way too many. “I see you like fried foods. What is your favorite food? If you had to say your favorite restaurant in the city, what would it be? I knew a vegan once but it didn’t work out. LOL! Are the letters of your name an anagram?”

So suck it up and question or die alone? That is the question.