Author: Couch Monologues

Couch Monologues
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Post Date Update:

He wants to go out again. Of course.

I’ve gotten away with avoidance the past several times, but I had a feeling this one would stick. (The last date made clear that scheduling’s NBD, there’s plenty of girls online and girls have lots to do. If they want to meet up later or not at all, whatevs!)

I’m going away for a week and am hoping that takes care of it, but if not…what do I do? I think this is one where I have to be honest. Or do I give it another try with him? (I did that with a guy in the fall. The first date was AWFUL but he gave such good text I got sucked back in. Still awful, and this time so bad he got the hint.)

Does my desire to treat others as I wish to be treated outweigh my desire to avoid awkwardness? What do normal people do in this situation?

Post-Date. Spoiler Alert–it stunk.

I got there early –which never happens– and struck up a conversation with a nice couple at the bar.

“Hey going out and talking to people is fun after all!” I thought.

And then the date arrived, sidling up behind me. I immediately wished there was a way to keep hanging out with my new friends instead of him. He was nice and polite. And boring. So soboring.

Some of our conversations included “I gave up soda completely because it’s terrible for you” and “In case you haven’t guessed, I don’t dance.” Also, my favorite, “I can’t parallel park. I live in the city but I’m afraid of bumping someone and them getting mad.”

At that point, everything became a dealbreaker. You’re not hungry. Done. My whiskey drink is too strong for you? Done. You don’t let me get in the cab first? Goodbye.  (NB: He did pay for the bill, which is rare these days and a huge plus.)

Seriously, the boring dates are worse than the comically bad ones.

I’m starting to think I just really need to date older guys. Scarily enough, 27/28 is considerably younger than me anyway at this point. Since I’m exclusively finding guys online, and the clock is ticking, I hate to make strict restrictions like that, but I’m sorry…an IT guy in his 20s isn’t gonna do it for me. I need an imposing figure with a big personality who’s going to take control. I’ve been single and independent way too long to deal with someone wishy washy. I know what kind of interactions I want, and anyone remotely milquetoast has no chance.

So, conclusions/observations: younger guys aren’t confident enough yet and therefore intimidated by me? millennials are weenies? Hanging out with myself is more fun than hanging out with anyone else? What do my readers think?

Pre Date

Date night y’all!

(why do I keep saying y’all. i’m not from the south. too much FNL)

Obviously I don’t want to go. There is netflix to watch. But it’s “something to do” and “good to get out.” I can’t really tell if this guy is cute but I anticipate from the pics that he’s scrawny but maybe fun.

Still, it is fun to get dressed up and all. And there have been good first dates…the bad ones just stand out so much more.

Post date report tomorrow!

A Monday OKC treat

This guy has been creepily messaging me on and off for a year. I believe we sent a few messages but never made plans to go out, and then it started to get weird, like if I disabled my account then came back, within minutes I’d have a “hey you’re back!” message from him. [Also, he requests people under 4’9″ not message him. Is there really that much of a issue with very short people contacting you that you need to explicitly discourage them?]

He’s continued to come and go with different profile names every few weeks sending equally creepy and over-familiar messages to which I did not respond. And today:

hey stranger… hope things are well and you’re surviving this winter! wondering if you’d like to go out with me and a girl I met here on OKC?

No!! NO! I don’t want to speak to you let alone get sucked into you weird group sex life.

So between this and yesterday’s post, my question: is online dating this weird for guys too? Yes, it’s an inherently weird endeavor, but I just can’t imagine guys getting the same low-level harassment from girls. Even the guys who “aren’t creepy” use it to their advantage by promising not to be creepy since they “know how tough it is for girls on here.” (Unfortunately this medium also brings out guys with the worst social skills.) The only time I get feministy is when dealing with this, but where else can I go for love?!

 

Sundays with OkCupid

  • Harassed if you do, harassed if you don’t….
    [From a guy 12 years older and 304 miles away]
    Hey there 😉 so i won’t waste your time and I will be honest. I am a sweet, fun and down to earth guy. I think we have a good bit in common and would get along nicely. So it wouldn’t hurt for you to message me and see where goes. So if you like what you see message me;)
    Your very pretty :). So what are you looking for
    You like Italians ;)???
    [after 3 no responses he’s not deterred, so:]
    Me: …no
    Him: Ok then well i tried. Considerably your loss
    Me: I’ll just comfort myself with my ability to spell things correctly
    Him: WOW Get over yourself
     
    Him: No wonder your single
    Obviously I’m the one with something wrong…
    Honestly is definitely not the best policy in this situation…
    While all of this sounds great it comes with a catch. To be perfectly honest — despite all of the above I feel like I’m a bit of train wreck right now. I’ve been divorced for about two years and and have kind of let myself go — both physically and when it comes to my social life — and have become pretty kind of down about it at times. Rather than go out and do things I’ve been hibernating at home all winter which has only made things worse.
    …um no thanks
    Again, I’m the weirdo…
    [After 3 ignored messages]
    I know I know. Im married. Guess u dont like bad boys
    Me: Cheating on your wife doesn’t equal bad boy, it equals asshole.
    Him: True that. Thanks for the reminder.
    As much as I liked married Catholic “sexy” cops from other states, I think I dodged a bullet there.

 

The Happiness Project

I’m pretty much sad all the time (#depression y’all!), but sometimes I try to get a grip since my life is objectively not so bad…so I try to think of things that actually still make me happy.

Turns out at 30-something the only things that still make me happy are seeing people fall and funny animals. I snorted at this polar bear. Check him out around 3:50 with the bucket on his head!

Polar bears: So deadly yet so hilarious.

And check out these guys! They look like babies in panda suits. Or in Super Mario 3 when Mario wears the racoon suit.

I may never leave the house again but I’ll always have captive animals forced to play for my amusement.

Chaos House

Each week I tutor in my client’s neighborhood library.

“It’s a little shady” is what someone being kind and wearing blinders would say.

“Chaos House” is what the regulars call it.

Highlights Week 1: active drug dealing outside the front door; children’s area so loud we move to the adult area; adult side with most tables occupied by men of questionable residency, asleep or with hands down pants; physical altercation over a man refusing to pull up pants–including boxers–beyond his knees.

Week 2: Major Improvement! Drug dealers stopped (moved inside without drugs). Vomit next to table only issue.

Week 3: Joined at table by schizophrenic. Approached by stranger to fix her pictures so she can show her sister how fly she look.

Week 4: Children’s side features full hour of ukelele lessons for roaming band of 15 toddlers. Man sits at our adult table to empty every thing from his pockets and deconstruct electronics, then falls asleep. Overweight woman wearing three pairs of pants unable to secure a single pair, exposing everything from waist down to the troubadours and my 11 year old.

Through all this the Greek chorus of only moderately degenerate regulars narrates the scenes from the back table over the dulcet tones of their video poker.

If it wasn’t so sad, it’s be the perfect place for a reality show. In a way, it’s wonderful to see so many people use the library as a refuge. There are plenty of people just quietly sitting reading or using computers. But it is not a lounge for people who want to hang out, eat, talk on the phone, etc… And as great as is it to have children’s programs, there is no space there for quiet academic work. The staff turn a blind eye to everything but the fights and nudity, and even then it’s a half hearted warning. What’s a transitional neighborhood to do? Provide the services they’re meant to provide or cater to the needs of the most desperate and (unfortunately) reliable clientele?

Curl Up and Dye

For the first time in my life, I came home tonight and sobbed after a haircut. I’m not always pleased, but I’ve never cried. Which is odd, as I pretty much cry at least once a day.

This was a new place I decided to try because I had been trying for a month to get an appointment at my normal place (which was no longer convenient to my work) and there wasn’t going to be one with my usual stylist for at least another month. A new acquaintance recommended this place and even called and got me the appointment. Reviews online were overwhelmingly 5 star, save a few 1 star reviews railing against terrible cuts.

First of all, I went in blonde with clearly visible roots and wanted “blonde highlights so everything brightens up.” I showed 7(!) pics of my hair at its ideal color. Long story short, my hair is now uniformly brown. There’s dimension, but it’s brown dimension. Before she even finished blow drying she was starting to say how it takes a few days for the highlights to lighten and I could come back for more highlights if it wasn’t light enough.

What?!

I need to wait 3 shampoos to figure out if you did my hair right? Organic hair color is “exactly the same” until it’s not and screws up my hair. Please return my harmful chemicals and my lovely highlights.

And that was before the terrible cut. I had grown out my hair for 18 months and wanted about 2 inches off with some shape. Long story short, 5 inches, completely blunt all the way around. I said this when she finished and she did a few angles around the face but still totally blunt around the rest of the way. I of course wish I had spoken up more, but you second guess yourself when you’ve already spoken up and the expert says it’s done. I don’t even really know how it can be fixed. It’s too short now for long layers and any other shaping.

It’s not the end of the world of course. It may even seem fine tomorrow. It’s just so sad that all those months of growing are gone for something not even cute. And it makes me second guess myself as an adult (as always). Why can’t I communicate better what I want? Why can’t I speak up better in the moment. I feel like I did more than I would have in the past but still not enough. I think that environment just makes you feel like you need to trust the stylist (like the doctor, or masseuse, or nail technician, or mechanic…). We’re all conditioned to feel that speaking up = complaining = being rude vs. being assertive, and as someone who has a problem speaking up in general, it’s just that much harder in this type of situation. I don’t feel I was rude or out of line at all, but I also don’t feel I got what I want…

What is the best way to be sure you get what you want? And how do you find new stores when you move? I’ve bopped around to many salons by reading reviews and have never had this problem before. This time I even had a personal recommendation! I hated the hair of everyone in this place tonight, but that’s usually not a good signal because hair stylists are trendy. *(@#%*(&%(*$@##)&%@*%&@!!!!!! Why is everything so hard!

 

Valentine’s Day!

This is not a complaining-about-Valentine’s-Day post! This is actually kind of a what happened to Valentine’s Day post. V Day seemed forgotten this year. Maybe because I haven’t been in many schools or stores I didn’t see all the hoopla, but I didn’t hear much about it. I remember being annoyed about Valentine ads right after Christmas, because it was right after Christmas, but not much was discussed this week.

I wonder if there was so much written and tweeted about the depression of being single on Valentine’s Day that there ended up being a backlash?

If so, that’s sad because, if you can turn your focus away from couples making out and people who are so insecure they need to spend hundreds of dollars to eat a marked up dinner to feel loved, it’s such a fun holiday! Everything is glittery and pink! And hearts! And chocolate! And puns!

We should never give up a holiday that offers a chance to tell grandparents, friends, and small children you love them while eating thematically shaped chocolates.

Please enjoy some punny card collections:

Dictator Valentine’s

SVU

Printables! (some)

And a classic: