Author: Couch Monologues

Couch Monologues
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Bitter or?

There comes a time in every young girl’s life where she has to look herself in the mirror and answer a question. (No, not “do I actually look cool in aviators” or “am I too old to wear this cutout dress”)

Am I getting bitter or are people just terrible?

You may remember my thoughts on bitterness from previous musings such as “I no longer care my friends are pregnant” or “no I don’t want to get in on the gift card to help the person having kids he can’t afford” or even “how dare you not invite me to your child’s 2nd birthday party even though I’ll just complain about being obligated to go.”

Here are a few recent for instances that had me wondering if it’s not me, it’s you:

  • a family of 3 sisters has a combined 11 children under the age of 7ish. They were actually pretty well behaved but still required the collective attention of all 6 parents and all strangers in the rows surrounding then. Why do you have so many children?! You don’t need free labor for a farm!
  • Teenagers. The end.
  • friend’s fb posts increase exponentially now that she has a boyfriend. Stage 1: Oh he seems like a nice guy. Good for her. Stage 2: wow there’s a lot of pics from her now but that’s sweet that they’re taking all these trips. Stage 3: um that’s not a trip, that’s the lobby of your apartment. Stage 4: No, you don’t have to post just one more!! Stage 5: STFU.
  • Engagement photos are dumb
  • YOUR CHILD’S NAME IS NOT A HASHTAG!!!!

I’m super jealous of my parents’/grandparents’ generation. Sure they had to use a phone book and might never get to find out who that guy was in that movie without google, but they only had to deal with other people’s annoying lives once a year in holiday cards. And they could make fun of them at the bar they went out to after they put the kids to bed, because that’s what parents did then. The real good old days.

I took a super sweet nap today. Actually I took two naps, but the first one was more of a going back to bed. The second one was perfect: a cool breeze coming through the window making it just the right temperature to snuggle under the blankets, dog by my side. I even dreamed I met Bette Midler!

I woke up thinking “What a great nap! Life is grand.” Then I glanced out the window and saw my neighbor dressed up and taking out the trash before going out with his wife. And I had a twinge of sadness. Not so much the going out but the someone to make plans with if I did want to go out. Plus someone to take out the trash. But more the someone to make plans with.

Then I thought about the nap again and was content.

But this is a growing concern of mine. I take so much pleasure in my independent joys, I worry I could never really be comfortable and happy sharing life with someone else, yet I’m so lonely so much of the time. (As I may have said before here) the farther I get away from a relationship the harder it will get. I don’t really think I want to live a life of constant low-grade loneliness/increasing social anxiety but what other options do I have? And the naps are so very good…

Rant

I hate Mothers Day.

Fathers Day is bad too. Weeks of commercials and emails feeding stereotypes that dads want to golf and grill and moms want breakfast in bed and a diamond necklace but HAHA MOMS NEVER REALLY TAKE A DAY OFF SO THEY’LL EAT THE BREAKFAST AND JUST GO RIGHT TO CLEAN IT UP. If I were a mom, I wouldn’t want an awkward brunch on the busiest brunch day of the year. Not to mention I’d probably be stuck having an awkward brunch on the busiest brunch day of the year with my husband’s mother, which is even more awkward.

But it’s mostly just selfish. I’m not a mother, though I’d like to be, and I don’t have a mother anymore. Mothers Day is worse than any other reminders (birthday/anniversary/my birthday/every day of the year) because it’s in my face everywhere how happy and lucky everyone is to have such wonderful mothers. Don’t forget your mom! Oh, that won’t be a problem.

There’s also my grandmom, who died 13 years ago this month, and my other grandmother, still alive but only partially coherent. Those losses seem more logical, but still produce an ache every time a certain scent wafts through or I see a picture that reminds me of the maternal concern that’s lacking. No one to make me angry by telling me that haircut is all wrong or help me pick out curtains.

My mother died 17 years ago this summer. This summer I’ll have been alive as long without her as with her. I’m a whole person now that my mother never got to know. (Well mostly whole, because how whole can you really be without your mother?)

Sometimes I don’t even notice. And other times I still get excited to go home and tell her something or see what she thinks or I’ll say the exact thing she would have said and then I realize I can’t and sit in the car and cry and cry. It’s so strange to think she doesn’t know how I grew up. She’s never met my dog! I think about that a lot. He’s my best friend and she never met him! I think she’d really like him, even though she never had pets and never let us get a dog when i was growing up.

She was my best friend. That’s the worst part, among many bad parts.  Many of my friends have these mothers they can’t get along with. And I would never ever wish any pain on anyone, but it just doesn’t seem fair that these terrible mothers keep on trucking, inflicting emotional damage on their daughters, and my mom that I actually liked isn’t here. If we remained best friends through adolescence, I can only imagine what our relationship would be like now.

So I’ll soldier through Mothers Day like I do most other days. Alone. Alone, which is often just peachy, until you actually want people around and can’t find them either because they’re dead or you kept everyone at arm’s length to keep expectations low so they couldn’t emotionally damage you any further with abandonment.

Coming next year: surviving Mothers Day with the debilitating fear that you’ll never have a baby of your own!

Closed for Business

Remember the good old days where you’d sign up for a dating profile so a member of the opposite sex could judge you based on appearance alone and then invite you out to buy your own drink and decide if you want to make out with him?

Well, no more. Now you need to also navigate their open relationship with them.

Open relationships are relatively common online (more common that correctly spelling you’re, less common than looking for “a girl who looks great dressed up but can also hang out on the couch lol”).

This is fine.

It is also fine for me to say “no thank you, I don’t want to be involved.”

No, I don’t have any questions about the lifestyle. Really, I’m not curious, and I don’t care that your wife is totally on board. I don’t want to know how it works for you two, or how fulfilled I’d be.

It’s great that you’re happy, but it doesn’t require a dissertation. You’re trying to bone two people. The end.

I can barely find time for my naps and snacks in the same afternoon, I’m not trying to navigate you and your wife.

Moments

Tinder moments are really creepy right?

I have 218 matches currently, 69 (heehee) of which I haven’t clicked on. So that means at minimum 69 people have swiped right and not spoken to me. But as soon as I put a picture up I get dozens of likes immediately. And who are these guys posting 3 and 4 pictures a day of their office?! I don’t think I like this world.

HELP

GUYS MY OKCUPID ISN’T WORKING!! I HAVEN’T HAD A VISITOR SINCE MARCH 18! EVERY SECOND THAT PASSES IS A MISSED CHANCE AT LOVE!

seriously though wth.

I emailed them with no response yet. And I swear I’m not just being conceited assuming it’s impossible 10 days passed without someone visiting me–my friend searched and couldn’t find me.

Granted I haven’t gone out with anyone from okc in 6+ months, but I just tweaked my profile and really thought the tide would turn! What do I do! How will love find me!?