Author: Couch Monologues

Couch Monologues
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I’ve been “unconventionally employed” for over a year now. I left my stable job of almost 10 years to relocate and pursue other things that could basically all fall under the umbrella of self employment. I had something part time lined up when I left that job, and the first 6-9 months went really well, but since then it’s been drips and drabs of employment.

This is pretty much how I want it. Yes, there are times when I’m feeling sorry for myself and whine “I have no job, no boyfriend, no hopes for the future…” (Adding the no job to the no boyfriend rounds out the pathetic nicely.) But mostly, I want to work for myself and/or work part time to have time for my own pursuits. If that means I have to go awhile without a job, it’s ok. I have no major responsibilities right now, so why not wait to find something good.

The problem is everyone else. People can’t seem to even fathom any out of the ordinary life choices. It is universally assumed I am depressed and struggling, and it’s just so hard to believe I can’t find something, and why don’t I network more, and someone’s cousin’s uncle heard the McDonald’s an hour away is hiring so why don’t I call them. This was the case even when I had my part time gig. The job was unorthodox, and people constantly responded “oh, that’s interesting. Want me to give your name to X in case they’re hiring?”

No, I don’t. I don’t want to make $40,000 for the rest of my life. That is the most depressing thought of all. So many people are scrambling to make a good impression and do well at work to just make enough money to pay for the gas to get to work and go to Florida one weekend a year?

Maybe I am ambitious. Just not in the way I’m supposed to be.

I’m proud of being different, I’m proud of doing things my own way. But it makes everything so hard. Why does it have to be so hard?

I Am Not Ambitious

My friends are not ambitious. I know very few people who are ambitious. We’re all smart, we all went to college and did well, we’re all good at what we do, but it ends there.

I don’t want any extra responsibilities. I don’t want to lead people! Who wants to be in charge and get all the grief when things go wrong. I go to work, I do my thing, and I go home.

I’m really good at what I do and everyone likes me (I may even go so far as to say beloved), but at the end of the day I’d rather get home at a reasonable hour than accolades.

I have no excuse like kids at home for this lack of focus on career. Who are these people who are willingly devoting more time than required to work when they could be napping?

I Don’t Want to Be Alone Forever But…

More and more as I’m on dates, there’s a part of me that thinks “I’d just assume be doing this alone.” The date gets me out of the house but probability says it’s not going to work out. And somehow I’m constantly surprised by the ways in which it won’t work out. Options for red flags are never ending.

Tonight:

Started out great! He was interested in an outing that I hadn’t gotten any friends to agree to. We met up and he was cute and smelled good (an underrated bonus) and conversation was flowing, even though he was allergic to the sun*, my most beloved companion. Unfortunately it flowed right into whether or not it was appropriate to use certain derogatory terms that were ok 20 years ago. He felt it was ok and explained that opinion in a way I understood, until he kept saying the words over and over.

Guys: as a rule, don’t use any potentially offensive words until date 2.

Next taboo topic was religion, another thing he had very strong, repetitive ideas on, many of which happened to attack my own beliefs.

Guys: don’t criticize religion or any other major beliefs until you know your date’s stance.

These things were in the back of my head but otherwise it was all continuing to go well. Then it came time to get another drink and he started saying things like “hey, I’m going to get a drink, but don’t feel like you have to stay.”

What?

I guess since we weren’t somewhere like dinner with a definitive end point this was reasonable?

Anyway, we hung out until after 12, at which point I decided to go home (which I had foreshadowed since I had to work the next day). So we go out to get cabs and he hangs back. “Oh I’ve been texting some friends to meet up so they’re going to come get me.”

Dude, have the decency to pretend you didn’t spend the night working on backup plans to me.

As I often do after weird dates like this, I feel even more confident in my awesomeness (I’m good at conversation! I have varied, unusual interests! I’m fun!) and even more sad there’s no one to match my awesomeness.

*When I hear something that will 100% not mesh with my lifestyle, like not liking the sun, my instinct is to rationalize why it won’t be a problem. The question is, should I be compromising more on things like this? And is that why I haven’t found anyone? Or is it bs to need to change my life to accommodate someone else. How does anyone survive in a couple with anyone else?!

Things People with Kids Say that Make Their Childless Friends Stabby

  • Yes! Babypalooza!
  • But let’s talk about [pregnant person], how are you feeling?
  • 7pm is a little late to go out
  • Anything about breasts
  • You’re invited to [child’s] birthday party!
  • I’m not drinking tonight (aka I’m pregnant again)
  • Wow, you slept in till 9 am? 6 am is a treat for me since I have so much to do! Ha. Ha.
  • Well your [hair, hips, privates, wardrobe] will never be the same once you have kids!
  • Maybe instead of going out in the city you just want to come over here?

Another question attack!

This is the exact conversation we had:

Him [opening message]: How’s your weekend? When was the last time you went camping? [side: my profile mentions my hatred of camping but says “super outdoorsy.” people are…misguided about the sarcasm here.]

Me: Hi! Last time I camped was 5 years ago!

Him: tsk tsk

Me: ? [side: that should count as a question]

Him: I might be misreading you but, it seems a shame this is has been so long since it seems that camping is something you really enjoy? I probably haven’t been in 5 years either.

Me: Haha yes you’re misreading. That was my first and last trip. I actually did enjoy it but I’m much more of a beach person!

Him [8 minutes later]: Well you don’t really seem like you’re trying to engage me in conversation so I am going to assume you’re not interested. I hope you find what you’re looking for.

 

Naturally my response was “why because I’m not asking forced questions” and he responded that if you don’t ask questions the conversation ends and I was being dismissive. The confrontor in me wanted to keep attacking his logic but I stopped responding. Interestingly enough, I have a date with two guys this week who didn’t ask any unnatural questions. The banter was delightful and we even joked about how incredulous we were that we managed to converse without ending every statement with a question.

Basically I’m just refusing to play the online dating game. As such, I’ve not had much success. But is it really success if you have to play by rules set by people you wouldn’t like anyway? I’m still banking on occasional (or even frequent) loneliness beating the chokehold of a relationship with the wrong person for the sake of companionship.

Ghosting Follow Up

Can I reply to my own blog post? I should figure that out. Instead a whole new post as an addendum to my ghosting post.

The main ghoster I was referencing contacted me this weekend. The text?

“How are you! I just saw you on tinder the other day. How’s it going?”

W

T

F

Seriously you just completely stopped responding to me after 8 weeks of continuous talking and trying to hang out (which was generally thwarted by your busy schedule) and you’re texting me about tinder? And you’re going to say out loud that “my buddies made me an account to push me out there… hahaha it’s so funny….”

I responded that it didn’t really seem like he had time to date to which I got another hahaha followed by

“It probably does seem that way given our lack of communication…”

Me: “our?”

Him: “Hahaha. Thats fair…”

So suddenly you have enough free time to ha ha ha it up, learn how to use ellipses, and date.

This guy’s really not an asshole. I think he’s just a p-word and/or clueless, like many guys. And/or I’m so bad at reading guys that I misconstrue things like a month of nightly phone calls as dating. Seriously how does anyone get together ever.

All By Myself

I took myself out to lunch today for Restaurant Week. Yes, I went out by myself.

I do a lot of things by myself. It’s a combination of timing, ease, and enjoying things others don’t enjoy. Today, I got out of an appointment early and was walking by a restaurant I’d wanted to try. I could have called around to see if anyone could sneak out of work at 2 for lunch, but in the time I would have waited for responses I had my whole lunch and was on my way. I’ve even extended this to mini-trips and sightseeing as well.

The response to this is overwhelmingly not one of acceptance. People without a filter laugh and say it’s sad. Otherwise people either patronizingly say “oh that’s so great you’re comfortable enough to do things on your own” or they exclaim “why didn’t you tell me you were going? I could have taken the day off.” (Yes, of course you would have taken a Tuesday off to visit battlefields in West Virginia.) More importantly, you feel uncomfortable enough about me going alone that you try to put your guilt on me for not asking you to come?

Universally, being alone is seen as distasteful. People think it’s weird or sad when others are out alone, and in turn you worry what people will think of you when you’re alone. I even do it myself–wondering why that guy is eating alone or feeling bad for him.

I like really random things, and I have a lot of weekday afternoons free. When the outing (battlefield, shopping, lunch) is not going to be greatly affected by having company, why is it so disconcerting to be willing to go it alone?

Yes, all things considered, being alone feels kinda weird and it’s way better to do stuff with people. I went on a few dates with a guy who liked the same library lectures as me, and it was amazing to share that with someone (and the daydreams about us eventually getting married at the library, even though I didn’t even really like him that much). But if I waited around for someone interested in everything I liked and on my schedule, I’d never do anything.

Do you do things alone? What do you think when you see people out alone?

Wah Wah*

Two of my very good friends have had babies in the past few weeks.

I don’t care.

I don’t want to see pictures, I don’t want to know anything about it.

I’m not an anti-kids person. There was a time I teared up over every pregnancy announcement. Siblings of friends, coworkers, high school classmates. I was buying baby gifts for every occupied uterus within a 5 miles radius, weeping through the baby clothes racks. (That reminds me: at no point in my downward spiral did I get tired of joking about babies wanting a “womb with a view.” That shit is timeless)

I’m just out of energy for being happy for other people. I hate being disinterested. I hate being the bitter, pitied single person. I hate being too selfish to care about other people’s milestones over my loneliness. But anymore, engagements and births aren’t exciting milestones to share with my friends–they’re an express ticket to adult life, where there are no openings for those of us who sleep past 7am on a Saturday and eat Combos for dinner.

Early on, people with babies tried to keep up with the childless, but then a) those people had a second kid and/or b) the parents hit critical mass and outnumbered us. Now if I want to see my friends it either has to be an event that ends at 9pm or the kids have to be invited, and if the kids are invited it’s fine, but I’m the only one without a kid and people ask why I’m at the event when I don’t have kids.

Older childless people I know have recommended literally getting an entirely new set of friends if I hope to maintain any social life. I haven’t made a new friend in 10 years!! Babies are going to force new friends on me!??

*the sound of both me and a baby whining

Ghosting

Suggested amendment to the constitution: no one over the age of 25 should be able to exit a relationship without explanation. If you can rent a car, you can text that you don’t want to hang out anymore. You can leave a post it, email, paper airplane, but there is no excuse for ghosting!

The rules are simple: if you meet any of the following criteria, you’re in a relationship and you must close the account before moving on. Been out alone, on purpose, 3 or more times [occasionally bumped to 5 depending on nature of outing]; more than 1 sleepover; more than 12 hours spent talking on an actual telephone; the break up-er has given a gift of any nature to the break up-ee.

These things don’t make a guy your boyfriend, but they do mean you have enough of a connection that human decency dictates you’re owed closure. This is not difficult. Next time she texts you about plans, don’t just not respond or say “thanks but i have this [imaginary] birthday party” because this makes her think you might still be interested, and she’ll keep finding a way to text you when she’s a little bit tipsy even though she knows you’d make the plans if you actually wanted to hang out, and then she’ll just feel embarrassed until she finally deletes your number, causing weeks of uncertainty vs a quick band-aid pull.

So grow a pair and just say “hey thanks but I don’t think we make a good match as a couple.”

Shit that’s just as bad.

Fine. Carry on with your ghosting.

Generally interested in…

…New York history. (Or insert any other random historical subtopic.) Also, guessing/judging the life story of everyone with me, plus commentary.

Yes, I’m taking a tour of this cemetery right along with you, but you and your uncle and/or lover are the weirdos.

Long story short, as someone who exclusively reads mid-century immigrant fiction set in Brooklyn, how have I missed this!

Tenement Museum