How to Feel a Little Less Lonely….

From the Today Show*, that bastion of feminism, comes a tip for putting on a bracelet alone: paperclips!

Twist it into an s and use it as an extender to hold the bracelet as you clasp.

Perfect for the independent office supply hoarder.

I’m sure when I’m feeling sad sacky I’ll still manage to feel bad that I’m staring into a paperclip putting on my bracelet instead of the eyes of a handsome man, but it’s better than nothing.

*from the Today show and apparently many other places. Photo credit: Lifehacker

I put on a pair of yoga pants tonight and realized I’ve had them since 2002.

One of the longest relationship I’ve ever had is with elastic-waist lounge wear. (Actually that is pretty apropos considering my commitment to lazing.)

Meanwhile, today in Facebook updates:

  • friend living in Hawaii with 3 kids
  • friend vacationing abroad with almost 3 kids
  • friend purchasing 2nd home

5 years ago these friends had 0 homes and 0 kids.

But 5 years ago I had my yoga pants and I still do. So that’s…something?

Sensitivity Training

I’m sensitive.

I admit it.

Even though according to my own brain and everyone around me, being sensitive is akin to joining ISIS. (Or ISIL? Are they the same thing? Who can keep up with online dating and current events.)

I try not to reveal any feelings to anyone but the fact is I am selectively sensitive. I like a reasonable amount of good-natured teasing from those around me; I feel it shows a certain depth of relationship when someone can effectively make fun of me. Like, I’m a hoarder, but only my closest friends know that, so when you tease me about jury rigging a chair with old parts, I appreciate it.

But when you equate “having feelings” with “being too sensitive”, that’s not cool. Telling me you wish I never bothered to visit (after a semi-argument) isn’t a hilarious joke, it hurts my feelings. When you say I used to be so pretty before dying my hair, it’s kind of offensive. And when I get up the courage to tell you it hurts my feelings and you say I shouldn’t be so sensitive, that’s bs.

Anyhoo, needless to say I get a little sensitive when people call me sensitive. Hence my involvement in a tet-a-tet with this sociopath.

Setting the scene: a cold fall night on okcupid. A sort of handsome guy with a disturbingly intense profile sends a cute message. We engage in banter. And then:

Alright alright…. enough of that tangent. I’m really not good at the small talk. Such a ritual.

What are you truly looking for? What do you really want out of this site and out of a partner? If you include the phrase ‘down to earth’ you’re doing it wrong. Be fearless. Actually write more than one sentence in your description. Take a chance. I wanted to see how long the trivial banter could go on with you and it looks like… indefinitely. Stop the train. Do not pass go. If what you’re looking for matches who I am then I’d like to continue. If not, then we are both holding each other back from finding our respective King or Queen.

I responded that this was more intense than I’m looking for and I don’t think I’d wanted to pursue a relationship with him. Well, that is not ok…

Ummm I didn’t say anything about you starting a relationship with me. Please copy and paste where I did. I asked you what you want.

Try to utilize your English skills correctly or get lost.

And yes I am intense. I clearly state so in my profile. That’s why knowing how to use your native language properly is of utmost importance. Try it out! 😉

And here it begins. I reiterated my disinterest and shared my pet peeve: putting a smiley after statements doesn’t make them any less aggressive. Being an ass with a smiley face is still being an ass.

PS: I’m not being aggressive maybe? Perhaps you’re overtly sensitive? Relax. It’s just a dating website.

I played it cool and made fun of his spelling mistake, which he responding really well to, apologizing and saying I had the wrong impression of him. Ok fine. So we went back and forth a little more. Then his account disappeared, so obviously I didn’t respond. 2 days later I get:

Or not? So I guess I should judge you compared to every woman I’ve dated before and my experiences on here then. Well if that’s the case then…

You’re just like the rest. Peace

  • Me: When I went to respond to you it said your account was disabled. But if you’d like to continue jumping to conclusions go right ahead.
     
  • Him: I was simply utilizing YOUR bag of tricks. It’s called satire. Look into it when you’re not shopping for UGZ and watching TMZ.
    Me: Jesus you’re a miserable jackass. Please stop judging/jumping to conclusions/”satirizing” and take some time to figure out why you hate women.
  • Him: Again I really don’t think you know what satire is. It’s making fun of something for the purposes of improvement. I am making fun of YOU by jumping to completely ridiculous conclusions based on no evidence whatsoever so YOU can see that when you did that to me it was completely uncalled for.
    Me: I don’t care for the way you’re speaking to me, and I would prefer not to “relax” but rather to end this conversation.
  • So basically you don’t like being judged based on utter bullshit right? Imagine that… you judged me on utter bullshit. See how that works?

    I really don’t care if we keep talking. I can go either way. Your observational and reasoning skills are kind of lacking. Also you’re way too sensitive.

    So if you want to end the conversation stop writing to me and/or block me.

    Or you know… grow up. Either way works for me.

    Take care. 🙂

Hindsight Update

Right after last night’s post I heard from the guy. Paraphrased:

Bitter: What are you up to tonight?

Me: Eating popcorn and watching tv.

Bitter: Your not gonna invited me over lol

[Typed “I don’t share popcorn with people who can’t spell you’re” but forgot to hit send]

(15 minute later)

Bitter: Do you throw your phone across the room after you get a text?

Me: I’m very busy with tv.

Bitter: Whatever

So I think that’s settled. But when I got up this morning something happened and my first thought was “Oh I want to tell [my student].” And I realized that I’m more eager to talk to and spend time with a high school girl than this guy. It was a great reminder that a) my gut tells me when I like someone (on any level, and this guy doesn’t even meet student-teacher likeability levels) and b) I’m not so messed up that I can’t form relationships and share things. Even if those things are beating your score in Words with Friends.

 

Hindsight

Ever go on a date and it’s kinda ok and then you get home and start identifying all these dealbreakers?

This seems to be happening kind of a lot lately. While we’re hanging out chatting I’m not dying to get home. I think “I’d give him a second date.” Then I get home to my couch’s warm embrace away from the glow of whiskey and feel compelled to text.

“So I just went out with a more bitter version of [insert ex here].”

“So this guy tonight was grilling me about where I work. Is my job weird?”

“So this guy tonight said he puts butter in his coffee…”

(Ok so that last one is apparently a real thing. And actually something I might try when I’m not busy scarfing straight brown sugar.)

Am I sabotaging myself or am I trying so hard to be open minded I don’t even know what kind of company I like to keep anymore?

Like when I met up with the guy this week for drinks and he didn’t drink. That seemed weird and also awkward since I enjoy drinking and did so heartily. Naturally he didn’t pay for my drinks, which as we know is a major annoyance that I worry I should be more modern about but don’t want to be modern about. Espesh when my bar tab for the night is $9.50.

Also when I tried to explain him to a friend and said “he was kinda super negative but maybe it’s good to not always be optimistic?” Hearing myself out loud rationalizing a guy’s behavior by suggesting a positive outlook is a bad thing was jarring…

The past two half-hearted 2nd dates I regretted and the fact that I decided against sending a thank you text lest I have to have a conversation were a push to let it be a one and done with this guy. But I’ll keep wondering if I’m letting a guy’s one bad night keep me from a relationship or if I’m just too picky.

Trying to trust your (anxious, prone to depression) gut while also having an open heart is as confusing as it is tough.

 

 

*PS: That VH1 show Hindsight was awesome. Bring that back!

So Lonely

Actually not at all.

But apparently I’m supposed to be working hard not to feel bad this Valentine’s Day. Talking to a video of Fabio is better than being alone!

Usually Valentine’s Day is split between ugly jewelry ads and anti-Valentines promos (often overlaps with the Sexy and Single angle). Recently, the single-and-cool-with-it-so-I’ll-celebrate-with-my-bitches (but actually praying for a last minute date) group’s gotten played up.

And I’m always for the Pal-entine’s Day ideal. Stickers and puns and half price candy February 15!

However, it seems this year advertisers have caught on to the demographic of just-kinda-single-but-gonna-need-to-eat-Sunday. We get the Singles Blizzard:

This has no theme but delicious, yet somehow it’s supposed to be for singles like me. At least put a heart in it. Until I get a free blizzard by proving how man-free I am, don’t try to use my relationship status to sell things!

 

 

Credit: https://twitter.com/DairyQueen

Strike 2

Went out again with super nice p-word guy from a few weeks ago. Again had a super nice time. But that’s it. I’m trying to give it a go with someone outside my “type.” But how many go’s do you give to see if it clicks?

I sound like a huge beeyotch saying he’s too nice, but people of the world: When girls don’t like nice guys (for the most part), it’s not the kindness part, it’s the lack of confidence part. Asking if I like wine or beer: considerate and thoughtful! Three more texts asking about what type of wine: come on dude, make a decision.

When we finished our dinner at 9, I was grateful he did not suggest we do anything else. I drove him home, we had a chaste kiss, and he asked me to let him know I got home safely. So basically I went out with my grandmother, except my grandmother is not a man and would have insisted on a nightcap.

I did text I got home and thanked him, and he responded thanking me for nice conversation and for being a sincere and genuine person. So if nothing else it is encouraging to go out and be able to be myself and feel like there is someone appreciating me for who I am. I can’t knock a guy for giving me a night out and an ego boost.

I’d be happy to hang out with him again but I don’t think the chemistry is suddenly going to click. Do I tell him now? Ghost him? He deserves the truth right?

What’s a nice girl who doesn’t like nice guys to do?

 

 

NO Bella

“bella your my favorite why still here wasting time with losers”

 

is the opening line of a guy who swings back every few months and has this in his profile

Screen shot 2016-01-25 at 8.53.39 PM

That is a definitely a fruit display in the shape of a vagina.