Working on my Fitness

Tonight I was eating brown sugar out of the jar for dinner, as one does, and I remembered how I had promised this morning, when my pants didn’t fit, that I would eat better starting NOW.

So I decided if I was going to keep eating sugar I had to do squats while I ate. I did 25 squats, until I couldn’t breathe.

Humor on Clearance

OKCDbag: How did the blonde kill her fish.

Me (a blonde): really? a blonde joke?

OKCDbag: The difference between Paul Walker and my computer is I actually give a fuck when it crashes.

Me: Too soon

OKCDbag: It was probably a bad idea painting it black thinking it would run faster thought.

OKCDbag: I sell a sense of humor if you need one.

RPRT side effects

When you think about the RPRT, all you think about is the fun. You’ll feel special! You’ll do something way more exciting than the nap you had planned.

Unfortunately, there are often side effects. Almost all side effects target the spontanxious in particular.

Side Effect 1: Indeterminate hours spent text stressing. Why didn’t he text back? What did “come if u want” really mean? Does he even care if I’m there? Who did he go out with when I didn’t respond fast enough? Does he like her [obviously it’s a her] better?

And so on.

Side Effect 2: Spontaxiety explodes once you’ve made a plan and arrive to find you’re on a date with RPRT and 15 of his closest friends. These friends tend to be hot, young girls.

Scene 1: Roll up to apartment a little bit tipsy (having drunk enough to be open to social interaction but to not be incapacitated) and find 3 other people present for our date to “chill.” Ok, I kinda wanted to go out, this can work.

Scene 2: Roll up to nearby bar. Realize immediately my adorbs bicycle print sundress is the wrong choice upon seeing RPRT’s “friends” are exclusively hot, 21, and dressed like kardashians.

808 wholesale dresses mini dresses ivory bicycle print skater dress with v neck detail Ivory Bicycle Print Skater Dress with V Neck Detail Ivoryhttps://cdn-img-0.wanelo.com/p/cc4/04c/73e/3c7816fab13609f6fcc6c73/x354-q80.jpg

Imagine less material on the right outfit…

But it’s cool, I’ll just chat with RPRT since I don’t know much about him. Oh wait, every single girl is OMGSOEXCITEDTOSEE him, including inside jokes and nicknames.

There is one of me and 8 of them (x100 for the fact they’re a clique of 8) and they DO NOT want to share their cute friend, and my general kinda drunkness + social anxiety + being factually out of place do not mix well. But because this guy is RPRT, he doesn’t notice anything amiss and is just having fun. “Hey, you never know what’s gonna happen?!” Obviously I play along and sit in the corner smiling maniacally so everyone thinks I’m having fun. If I leave I’ll look lame, and if I hang on him I’ll look lame and possessive. So I waited it out till last call. Turns out so did all the other girls and hey, they’re all coming back to his house!

At that point I did step in to be like “um how many more girls are you gonna invite over?” “HA HA! What can I say, they’re just all buds that want to show up!”

Yes, what a hilarious coincidence. Once again.

Right Place, Right Time

I’m figuring out that my go-to guy type is the right place, right time guy.

This is the guy that’s totally up for anything at any time. He’s spontaneous and super fun. As long as you’re with him or available at the exact moment he decides to have fun.

Right Place, Right Time (RPRT) will text to see if you want to do something, and in the 10 minutes it takes you to respond/act cool by not responding too quickly, he’ll have found someone else to go with. He’ll literally go to your house, and if you’re not there, he’ll find plans with someone else before you make it home. “Sorry babe, things change fast with me!”

RPRT is always up to hang out, so he has an ever-expanding network contacting him and/or available for plans at any moment.

I like RPRT because RPRTs are super social and super laid back. They’re welcoming to everyone but completely not pretentious. And they’re having too much fun to settle down*! I’m attracted to RPRTs because I fancy myself a fun and spontaneous person. Take a half day to go day drinking on the waterfront? Yes! Sign me up!

Except I’m more of a spontanxious person…Take a half day to go drinking on the waterfront? Yes! Sign me up, after giving me at least 2 days’ notice and checking the weather. And please accept my wrath when the plan inevitably falls through because something else came up for you. (Something that is totally valid but still infuriating because something comes up every single time.) And accept my passive aggressive texts later trying to make you realize how hurt I am even though that thought never crosses your mind.

I’ve deleted RPRT from my phone a few times after especially egregious ditches. Like the one time I changed plans for a wedding to see him and something else came up. Or the time he called me to check if I was at a local bar because he didn’t want to run into me there while he was with another girl. (Or at least that’s what I decided the call was for. He swears he was nearby at happy hour and then his phone died). No, I don’t have his number memorized. But I do have confidence he’ll call again eventually, and I’ll have completely forgiven him. Because the lure of a 10 second window to decide whether you want to spend the day on a boat is too much to resist. And maybe someday his that whole “things change so fast” maxim will apply to him falling for me.

Wah Wah

*RPRT doesn’t settle down until the second he gets lonely and then he imprints on whatever girl he sees first and marries her within 6 months.

To meet or not to meet

So I met this guy on Tinder, and he seemed delightful. I even asked my friend, what’s secretly wrong with this guy, he seems attractive and nice. Her guess: recently divorced (not accurate). Turns out, the real answer is superjerk.

We started texting to make plans to meet. Tentative plan: Friday night after work. He texts me at 8 to see if I’m still interested and when I texted him back 30 min later (can’t seem too eager!) he said it had gotten too late. Also he wanted me to drive to him, which, seriously?

As we continued chatting after the plans went south, he started to get mean out of nowhere. Like after I asked where he lived he said “Do you live with your parents? I know how [girls like you] are.” Or later when he tried to make fun of where I was hanging out and I said “there are some older people here” he said “Oh I forgot [girls like you] are sensitive and can’t take a joke.” I mean wtf. I wasn’t even being sensitive! It wasn’t like a flirtatious back and forth. I haven’t even met him!

Anyhoo, he wants to hang out again this weekend. I planned to never meet him but now he’s being nicer and what if this is my big chance? Or am I just a glutton for punishment.

What would you do?

So what do you do…

So what do you do when the activities you like all involve people at least 50 years older that you? Today I went to a knitting group at the library and it was so.much.fun. Until we all started reminiscing about where we were when Kennedy was shot, revealing they were not only older than me but had children that were 30 years older than me. Ignore the fact that I’m a person who goes to libraries and knits. The fact is it was really fun because everyone was so welcoming, and you go and do your thing and chat when you feel like it. No ones asking what you do or if you have kids. They talk about how pretty the colors you picked are as ask if this is the right cast on and laugh when you don’t know because they don’t either. Yeah yeah, suck it up and join a kickball team despite the crippling anxiety each day leading up to the game. For real though, is everyone else just hanging out doing things they don’t want to do because it helps meet people? There cannot be that many people Out there that love kickball and jenga. (Ps jenga is terrible).

Again…

Here’s the trajectory of this relationship:

Friday: we connect! We have a mutual friend! Fun! He asks me for Saturday but I have friends in town

Wednesday: he texts in the morning and asks me if I want to get lunch. I’m unavailable. He texts throughout the day with notes about his activities

Thursday (today): the pictured texts and apparently deletion of my number.

The part cropped (ok I haven’t really figured out the snapshot stuff) says “How are you…” at 5:57pm same day.

Gallery

New Frontiers

As if Tinder wasn’t enough of a pain before, now I’m gonna have to start carding my dates.

This guy said he was 32. His pictures were totes from a high school dance. Maybe prom, but he even looked to young for prom.

PS: Are MILFS really a thing? Do people sleep with their teachers as much as Amy Schumer says they do?

PPS: Congrats to me on figuring out how to blur out stuff on photos. A whole new world of tinder screenshot posts awaits.

+0

I saw this article this morning right on the heels of getting a guest-free invite to one of my closest friends’ weddings. In another state. On the weekend something else major in my life is happening.

The comments I read on this article were almost universally outraged. It’s the bride’s day! It’s not about you! Suck it up for a day! An extra person is so expensive!

All of which are true. And I’m not going to go through and dispute the anti-guest reasons as the article does that well. But I still don’t want you arbitrarily deciding whether I get to come to your wedding with a guest.

Why are you having a wedding if you don’t want to have your friends around having fun? And why does etiquette tell you it’s ok for me to be forced to show up alone but you have to invite a girl you’ve met twice because she’s living with your friend? I get that you don’t want a random person at your wedding and in your pictures, but I’m pretty sure the people whose wedding I was at in 2005 because I was seriously dating their friend aren’t happy I’m in those pics, yet they weren’t going to not give him a +1 because maybe we would break up some day.

I’ve never had a serious boyfriend at the time of a friend’s wedding so it’s sort of always been a bonus when I got a +1, and I’ve never taken taken a date anyway. But this invite came and I was capital P Pissed. There are 10 of us who are all really close and vacation together several times a year. 8 of us are married or in a long-term relationship; it’s already kind of getting to a point of discomfort when we’re all together, and this only emphasizes it.

If you’re 25, 26, even 30, that’s one thing. There will be a lot of single people at that event. That’s where your “making out with the bridesmaids” options fall. But when you’re 35, it’s a different story. First (and only) of all, we’re adults. There aren’t 5 of us carpooling and sharing a hotel room anymore. If I don’t have a date, I’m going to get to the wedding alone, stay alone, sit alone during slow songs, and go back to my room alone. All those married people with kids will chortle about how they haven’t been up this late in years(!) and go to bed right after the reception.

There’s a 50% chance your marriage won’t even work out, and you’re the one deciding whether my relationships are significant enough to bring someone with me? The fact is I’m not going to bring a random person to your wedding, but I should be able to choose, and you should be considerate enough to give me that choice.

PS:¬† They’re actively encouraging CHILDREN¬† to attend this wedding. So a date for me is too much of an inconvenience, but go ahead and bring your small, drunk humans.