So what do you do…

So what do you do when the activities you like all involve people at least 50 years older that you? Today I went to a knitting group at the library and it was so.much.fun. Until we all started reminiscing about where we were when Kennedy was shot, revealing they were not only older than me but had children that were 30 years older than me. Ignore the fact that I’m a person who goes to libraries and knits. The fact is it was really fun because everyone was so welcoming, and you go and do your thing and chat when you feel like it. No ones asking what you do or if you have kids. They talk about how pretty the colors you picked are as ask if this is the right cast on and laugh when you don’t know because they don’t either. Yeah yeah, suck it up and join a kickball team despite the crippling anxiety each day leading up to the game. For real though, is everyone else just hanging out doing things they don’t want to do because it helps meet people? There cannot be that many people Out there that love kickball and jenga. (Ps jenga is terrible).

+0

I saw this article this morning right on the heels of getting a guest-free invite to one of my closest friends’ weddings. In another state. On the weekend something else major in my life is happening.

The comments I read on this article were almost universally outraged. It’s the bride’s day! It’s not about you! Suck it up for a day! An extra person is so expensive!

All of which are true. And I’m not going to go through and dispute the anti-guest reasons as the article does that well. But I still don’t want you arbitrarily deciding whether I get to come to your wedding with a guest.

Why are you having a wedding if you don’t want to have your friends around having fun? And why does etiquette tell you it’s ok for me to be forced to show up alone but you have to invite a girl you’ve met twice because she’s living with your friend? I get that you don’t want a random person at your wedding and in your pictures, but I’m pretty sure the people whose wedding I was at in 2005 because I was seriously dating their friend aren’t happy I’m in those pics, yet they weren’t going to not give him a +1 because maybe we would break up some day.

I’ve never had a serious boyfriend at the time of a friend’s wedding so it’s sort of always been a bonus when I got a +1, and I’ve never taken taken a date anyway. But this invite came and I was capital P Pissed. There are 10 of us who are all really close and vacation together several times a year. 8 of us are married or in a long-term relationship; it’s already kind of getting to a point of discomfort when we’re all together, and this only emphasizes it.

If you’re 25, 26, even 30, that’s one thing. There will be a lot of single people at that event. That’s where your “making out with the bridesmaids” options fall. But when you’re 35, it’s a different story. First (and only) of all, we’re adults. There aren’t 5 of us carpooling and sharing a hotel room anymore. If I don’t have a date, I’m going to get to the wedding alone, stay alone, sit alone during slow songs, and go back to my room alone. All those married people with kids will chortle about how they haven’t been up this late in years(!) and go to bed right after the reception.

There’s a 50% chance your marriage won’t even work out, and you’re the one deciding whether my relationships are significant enough to bring someone with me? The fact is I’m not going to bring a random person to your wedding, but I should be able to choose, and you should be considerate enough to give me that choice.

PS:  They’re actively encouraging CHILDREN  to attend this wedding. So a date for me is too much of an inconvenience, but go ahead and bring your small, drunk humans.

No one tells you turning 30 comes with 10 extra pounds.

I swear the day I turned 30 I gained weight. In truth it happened over time one small pound at a time and I didn’t quite realize it. I gradually stopped going to the gym every day (even though I never worked out hard) and eating a little less healthily. Then all of a sudden I realized I was about 10-15 lbs heavier than I wanted to be. Nothing crazy, but heavier than I wanted to be.

The problem was, once I realized and made some changes, I wasn’t losing weight. I trained for and ran a half marathon. When not training, I ate 1200 calories a day. I switched to quinoa and spinach and whole wheat everything. I came to the conclusion that it was my antidepressants. It happened so gradually I didn’t make the connection, but I’m confident that was it given the weight gain+pill taking time frame. And once I thought about it, I realized how much my appetite had changed since being on meds. I used to eat half a sandwich and chips and be full all day and I ended up needing a whole cheesesteak plus fries plus still hungry by my peak weight time.

So I weaned off the pills with the help of a doctor and confidence I didn’t need them and there went the weight. About 5 lbs pretty quickly. Then another 10 over the next 6ish months with the help of an excellent diet: crippling depression. Turns out I did need the pills. Right as I reached the perfect weight I lost the will to live (I’m being flippant but for real…) and decided I had to do something, so after a few months with a psychiatrist I’m back on them. And back up 5 lbs.

Is it all a coincidence? Did I start taking pills around spring when I’d be out more eating and socializing? Does not hating life just  mean I’m out of bed more and able to eat? All those are possible/likely, but I’ve also increased my exercise time, so shouldn’t those balance out?

All of this is to say, I have to figure out if I’m going to be happy or skinny, right? Any first hand experience with this or post-30 weight loss tips?

I took a super sweet nap today. Actually I took two naps, but the first one was more of a going back to bed. The second one was perfect: a cool breeze coming through the window making it just the right temperature to snuggle under the blankets, dog by my side. I even dreamed I met Bette Midler!

I woke up thinking “What a great nap! Life is grand.” Then I glanced out the window and saw my neighbor dressed up and taking out the trash before going out with his wife. And I had a twinge of sadness. Not so much the going out but the someone to make plans with if I did want to go out. Plus someone to take out the trash. But more the someone to make plans with.

Then I thought about the nap again and was content.

But this is a growing concern of mine. I take so much pleasure in my independent joys, I worry I could never really be comfortable and happy sharing life with someone else, yet I’m so lonely so much of the time. (As I may have said before here) the farther I get away from a relationship the harder it will get. I don’t really think I want to live a life of constant low-grade loneliness/increasing social anxiety but what other options do I have? And the naps are so very good…

Closed for Business

Remember the good old days where you’d sign up for a dating profile so a member of the opposite sex could judge you based on appearance alone and then invite you out to buy your own drink and decide if you want to make out with him?

Well, no more. Now you need to also navigate their open relationship with them.

Open relationships are relatively common online (more common that correctly spelling you’re, less common than looking for “a girl who looks great dressed up but can also hang out on the couch lol”).

This is fine.

It is also fine for me to say “no thank you, I don’t want to be involved.”

No, I don’t have any questions about the lifestyle. Really, I’m not curious, and I don’t care that your wife is totally on board. I don’t want to know how it works for you two, or how fulfilled I’d be.

It’s great that you’re happy, but it doesn’t require a dissertation. You’re trying to bone two people. The end.

I can barely find time for my naps and snacks in the same afternoon, I’m not trying to navigate you and your wife.

Post Date Update:

He wants to go out again. Of course.

I’ve gotten away with avoidance the past several times, but I had a feeling this one would stick. (The last date made clear that scheduling’s NBD, there’s plenty of girls online and girls have lots to do. If they want to meet up later or not at all, whatevs!)

I’m going away for a week and am hoping that takes care of it, but if not…what do I do? I think this is one where I have to be honest. Or do I give it another try with him? (I did that with a guy in the fall. The first date was AWFUL but he gave such good text I got sucked back in. Still awful, and this time so bad he got the hint.)

Does my desire to treat others as I wish to be treated outweigh my desire to avoid awkwardness? What do normal people do in this situation?

Post-Date. Spoiler Alert–it stunk.

I got there early –which never happens– and struck up a conversation with a nice couple at the bar.

“Hey going out and talking to people is fun after all!” I thought.

And then the date arrived, sidling up behind me. I immediately wished there was a way to keep hanging out with my new friends instead of him. He was nice and polite. And boring. So soboring.

Some of our conversations included “I gave up soda completely because it’s terrible for you” and “In case you haven’t guessed, I don’t dance.” Also, my favorite, “I can’t parallel park. I live in the city but I’m afraid of bumping someone and them getting mad.”

At that point, everything became a dealbreaker. You’re not hungry. Done. My whiskey drink is too strong for you? Done. You don’t let me get in the cab first? Goodbye.  (NB: He did pay for the bill, which is rare these days and a huge plus.)

Seriously, the boring dates are worse than the comically bad ones.

I’m starting to think I just really need to date older guys. Scarily enough, 27/28 is considerably younger than me anyway at this point. Since I’m exclusively finding guys online, and the clock is ticking, I hate to make strict restrictions like that, but I’m sorry…an IT guy in his 20s isn’t gonna do it for me. I need an imposing figure with a big personality who’s going to take control. I’ve been single and independent way too long to deal with someone wishy washy. I know what kind of interactions I want, and anyone remotely milquetoast has no chance.

So, conclusions/observations: younger guys aren’t confident enough yet and therefore intimidated by me? millennials are weenies? Hanging out with myself is more fun than hanging out with anyone else? What do my readers think?

Pre Date

Date night y’all!

(why do I keep saying y’all. i’m not from the south. too much FNL)

Obviously I don’t want to go. There is netflix to watch. But it’s “something to do” and “good to get out.” I can’t really tell if this guy is cute but I anticipate from the pics that he’s scrawny but maybe fun.

Still, it is fun to get dressed up and all. And there have been good first dates…the bad ones just stand out so much more.

Post date report tomorrow!