Humor on Clearance

OKCDbag: How did the blonde kill her fish.

Me (a blonde): really? a blonde joke?

OKCDbag: The difference between Paul Walker and my computer is I actually give a fuck when it crashes.

Me: Too soon

OKCDbag: It was probably a bad idea painting it black thinking it would run faster thought.

OKCDbag: I sell a sense of humor if you need one.

RPRT side effects

When you think about the RPRT, all you think about is the fun. You’ll feel special! You’ll do something way more exciting than the nap you had planned.

Unfortunately, there are often side effects. Almost all side effects target the spontanxious in particular.

Side Effect 1: Indeterminate hours spent text stressing. Why didn’t he text back? What did “come if u want” really mean? Does he even care if I’m there? Who did he go out with when I didn’t respond fast enough? Does he like her [obviously it’s a her] better?

And so on.

Side Effect 2: Spontaxiety explodes once you’ve made a plan and arrive to find you’re on a date with RPRT and 15 of his closest friends. These friends tend to be hot, young girls.

Scene 1: Roll up to apartment a little bit tipsy (having drunk enough to be open to social interaction but to not be incapacitated) and find 3 other people present for our date to “chill.” Ok, I kinda wanted to go out, this can work.

Scene 2: Roll up to nearby bar. Realize immediately my adorbs bicycle print sundress is the wrong choice upon seeing RPRT’s “friends” are exclusively hot, 21, and dressed like kardashians.

808 wholesale dresses mini dresses ivory bicycle print skater dress with v neck detail Ivory Bicycle Print Skater Dress with V Neck Detail Ivoryhttps://cdn-img-0.wanelo.com/p/cc4/04c/73e/3c7816fab13609f6fcc6c73/x354-q80.jpg

Imagine less material on the right outfit…

But it’s cool, I’ll just chat with RPRT since I don’t know much about him. Oh wait, every single girl is OMGSOEXCITEDTOSEE him, including inside jokes and nicknames.

There is one of me and 8 of them (x100 for the fact they’re a clique of 8) and they DO NOT want to share their cute friend, and my general kinda drunkness + social anxiety + being factually out of place do not mix well. But because this guy is RPRT, he doesn’t notice anything amiss and is just having fun. “Hey, you never know what’s gonna happen?!” Obviously I play along and sit in the corner smiling maniacally so everyone thinks I’m having fun. If I leave I’ll look lame, and if I hang on him I’ll look lame and possessive. So I waited it out till last call. Turns out so did all the other girls and hey, they’re all coming back to his house!

At that point I did step in to be like “um how many more girls are you gonna invite over?” “HA HA! What can I say, they’re just all buds that want to show up!”

Yes, what a hilarious coincidence. Once again.

Right Place, Right Time

I’m figuring out that my go-to guy type is the right place, right time guy.

This is the guy that’s totally up for anything at any time. He’s spontaneous and super fun. As long as you’re with him or available at the exact moment he decides to have fun.

Right Place, Right Time (RPRT) will text to see if you want to do something, and in the 10 minutes it takes you to respond/act cool by not responding too quickly, he’ll have found someone else to go with. He’ll literally go to your house, and if you’re not there, he’ll find plans with someone else before you make it home. “Sorry babe, things change fast with me!”

RPRT is always up to hang out, so he has an ever-expanding network contacting him and/or available for plans at any moment.

I like RPRT because RPRTs are super social and super laid back. They’re welcoming to everyone but completely not pretentious. And they’re having too much fun to settle down*! I’m attracted to RPRTs because I fancy myself a fun and spontaneous person. Take a half day to go day drinking on the waterfront? Yes! Sign me up!

Except I’m more of a spontanxious person…Take a half day to go drinking on the waterfront? Yes! Sign me up, after giving me at least 2 days’ notice and checking the weather. And please accept my wrath when the plan inevitably falls through because something else came up for you. (Something that is totally valid but still infuriating because something comes up every single time.) And accept my passive aggressive texts later trying to make you realize how hurt I am even though that thought never crosses your mind.

I’ve deleted RPRT from my phone a few times after especially egregious ditches. Like the one time I changed plans for a wedding to see him and something else came up. Or the time he called me to check if I was at a local bar because he didn’t want to run into me there while he was with another girl. (Or at least that’s what I decided the call was for. He swears he was nearby at happy hour and then his phone died). No, I don’t have his number memorized. But I do have confidence he’ll call again eventually, and I’ll have completely forgiven him. Because the lure of a 10 second window to decide whether you want to spend the day on a boat is too much to resist. And maybe someday his that whole “things change so fast” maxim will apply to him falling for me.

Wah Wah

*RPRT doesn’t settle down until the second he gets lonely and then he imprints on whatever girl he sees first and marries her within 6 months.

To meet or not to meet

So I met this guy on Tinder, and he seemed delightful. I even asked my friend, what’s secretly wrong with this guy, he seems attractive and nice. Her guess: recently divorced (not accurate). Turns out, the real answer is superjerk.

We started texting to make plans to meet. Tentative plan: Friday night after work. He texts me at 8 to see if I’m still interested and when I texted him back 30 min later (can’t seem too eager!) he said it had gotten too late. Also he wanted me to drive to him, which, seriously?

As we continued chatting after the plans went south, he started to get mean out of nowhere. Like after I asked where he lived he said “Do you live with your parents? I know how [girls like you] are.” Or later when he tried to make fun of where I was hanging out and I said “there are some older people here” he said “Oh I forgot [girls like you] are sensitive and can’t take a joke.” I mean wtf. I wasn’t even being sensitive! It wasn’t like a flirtatious back and forth. I haven’t even met him!

Anyhoo, he wants to hang out again this weekend. I planned to never meet him but now he’s being nicer and what if this is my big chance? Or am I just a glutton for punishment.

What would you do?

Again…

Here’s the trajectory of this relationship:

Friday: we connect! We have a mutual friend! Fun! He asks me for Saturday but I have friends in town

Wednesday: he texts in the morning and asks me if I want to get lunch. I’m unavailable. He texts throughout the day with notes about his activities

Thursday (today): the pictured texts and apparently deletion of my number.

The part cropped (ok I haven’t really figured out the snapshot stuff) says “How are you…” at 5:57pm same day.

Two winners in one week!

A) am I a bad person because I sometimes just mess with dating people for my own amusement?

B) This escalated quickly.

C) Soo I kinda want to see what he meant? My next comment was “seriously?!” and he didn’t respond. $1000 could buy a lot of ice cream. And when I say hook up I mean like make out in the parking lot of a Dave Matthews concert…is that not what it means anymore?
D) Someone said cops hang out on dating sites looking for hookers. Is that true? If it’s true, do they target people whose profile is 3/5 dog pics? I will not be pleased if I made it to my 30s without being arrested and a online hooker sting is what takes me down.

Gallery

New Frontiers

As if Tinder wasn’t enough of a pain before, now I’m gonna have to start carding my dates.

This guy said he was 32. His pictures were totes from a high school dance. Maybe prom, but he even looked to young for prom.

PS: Are MILFS really a thing? Do people sleep with their teachers as much as Amy Schumer says they do?

PPS: Congrats to me on figuring out how to blur out stuff on photos. A whole new world of tinder screenshot posts awaits.

Halfway to Invisible

I don’t even know what to say about this dialogue. Should I have ignored this guy since he was an ass from the get go (even in his profile)? Probably. Did I go out of my way to be kind to him? No. Is it my duty as a women to go out of my way to be kind to every guy who says hi to me through the interwebs? Apparently it is, and the rest of my life will be a struggle because of my refusal to do so.

PS: This guy is 15 years older than me and lives over an hour away.

Him: I would love to talk with you about […] and why you prefer the company of your dog over most people Sent from the OkCupid app June 3

Him: But it looks like you don’t want to…. Which is also ok Sent from the OkCupid app June 3

Me: I just hadn’t gotten a chance to respond, but your impatience makes me lose interest in chatting.

Him: I just noticed that you read and didn’t respond. It was an observation, not impatience. Had it been me, I would have responded “read your message, I’m busy right now but I’ll get back to you soon”. Every body handles things in their own way Sent from the OkCupid app June 3

Me: I’ve just noticed that guys will send a message, check visitors, and if they see I’ve looked but not responded within a few hours they’ll write back something pointed. Maybe I checked at a red light, maybe I checked at work and got called away. Regardless, it’s a turn off to immediately question me like that. Sent from the OkCupid app June 3

Him: People ask questions. Sorry if you’re turned off. That’s an over reaction to me

Him: If you react that harshly over the smallest things…. I can’t imagine how you’d react if something important happened. Sent from the OkCupid app June 4

Me: It happens constantly–as in several times a week–that I get a passive aggressive or aggressive message in this situation, and it shows a level of self absorption I’m not interested in. Sent from the OkCupid app June 4

Him: Sometimes an observation is an observation. And sometimes people just want to close the loop. Sent from the OkCupid app June 4

Me: Ok. I’m going to focus on the beach now. I love the beach. [as a dig at his comment that people shouldn’t put loving the beach in their profiles.]

Him: Can we meet before you go? Sent from the OkCupid app 1:37am

Me: eh

Him: Eh? Sent from the OkCupid app 10:27am

Him: Wth is eh? Sent from the OkCupid app 10:28am

Me: Eh is I’m not interested

Him: Ya know… You could at least be polite, since you’re obviously kindness challenged. But it makes me laugh. Your already halfway to invisible and you’ve learned nothing. I wish you the best. It doesn’t get easier for women like you. Sent from the OkCupid app 11:56am

Me: You’ve questioned me since the very first message you sent, and I have shared that I did not care for your responses. I am not invisible or unkind to the literally dozens of people I encounter each day with whom I actually have relationships. I don’t need to spend my time stroking the ego of strangers on the internet. But thanks for the snap assessment of my entire being. I’m sure you’re a treat in person.

Dear Eharmony:

Are you for real?

He's just outside your match preferences!

He’s just outside your match preferences!

HE LIVES IN WISCONSIN.

It would only cost $474 and/or 11 hours of my life to have our first date.

It would only cost $474 and/or 11 hours of my life to have our first date.

That’s over 674 miles outside my match preferences.

And you know why we’re such a great match? Because we both like sports, and music, and books, and dogs. I bet he also likes breathing and food. (Nothing against you personally, Andrew, I’m sure you’re a swell guy and would make an actual great match for someone within 100 miles of your home.)

The only reason I signed up for eharm was because I saw a great deal during an especially low (aka drunk) point in my evening and thought who can put a price tag on love. I’ve decided it’s not so much the high cost that makes eharm the worst but the love shaming they put you through. I got 10 new matches today; 6 of them are “great matches that happen to be just outside my settings.” Then there’s the “what if” section with more great matches just outside my settings. It should be called the “if you really wanted to find love you’d be less picky” section or the “are you sure you’re really putting yourself out there?” section.

Thanks, but I don’t need the internet to remind me I’m alone along with everyone else.

Bitter or?

There comes a time in every young girl’s life where she has to look herself in the mirror and answer a question. (No, not “do I actually look cool in aviators” or “am I too old to wear this cutout dress”)

Am I getting bitter or are people just terrible?

You may remember my thoughts on bitterness from previous musings such as “I no longer care my friends are pregnant” or “no I don’t want to get in on the gift card to help the person having kids he can’t afford” or even “how dare you not invite me to your child’s 2nd birthday party even though I’ll just complain about being obligated to go.”

Here are a few recent for instances that had me wondering if it’s not me, it’s you:

  • a family of 3 sisters has a combined 11 children under the age of 7ish. They were actually pretty well behaved but still required the collective attention of all 6 parents and all strangers in the rows surrounding then. Why do you have so many children?! You don’t need free labor for a farm!
  • Teenagers. The end.
  • friend’s fb posts increase exponentially now that she has a boyfriend. Stage 1: Oh he seems like a nice guy. Good for her. Stage 2: wow there’s a lot of pics from her now but that’s sweet that they’re taking all these trips. Stage 3: um that’s not a trip, that’s the lobby of your apartment. Stage 4: No, you don’t have to post just one more!! Stage 5: STFU.
  • Engagement photos are dumb
  • YOUR CHILD’S NAME IS NOT A HASHTAG!!!!

I’m super jealous of my parents’/grandparents’ generation. Sure they had to use a phone book and might never get to find out who that guy was in that movie without google, but they only had to deal with other people’s annoying lives once a year in holiday cards. And they could make fun of them at the bar they went out to after they put the kids to bed, because that’s what parents did then. The real good old days.